Writer pens book promoting sexually abstinent lifestyle


What is chastity? Many believe that it is the same as abstinence, but 28-year-old Arleen Spenceley begs to differ. “Chastity never ends. Abstinence does. Chastity infuses sex with love and love with sacrifice. Abstinence doesn’t,” Spenceley said.

The Chaste Life · Arleen Spencely wants to shift the discussion on sex to encourage a lifestyle of abstinence until marriage. Spencely cites her Catholic faith as a major influence in her decision to maintain her chastity. - Photo courtesy of Arleen Spencely

The Chaste Life · Arleen Spencely wants to shift the discussion on sex to encourage a lifestyle of abstinence until marriage. Spencely cites her Catholic faith as a major influence in her decision to maintain her chastity. – Photo courtesy of Arleen Spencely

In the adult nonfiction book Chastity Is For Lovers: Single, Happy, and (Still) a Virgin, Spenceley expresses her opinion that people should save sex until marriage and clarifies any misunderstandings about what she believes to be the definition of chastity. Spenceley is a faithful Catholic and a staff writer for the Pasco Times edition of the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. The book is based on an article she wrote in 2012, titled “Why I’m still a virgin at age 26,” for the Pasco Times.

“I’ve actually written two sex essays for the Times,” Spenceley said. “When I was 23, I dated a guy who was funny and fun and cute, but my decision to practice chastity confused the heck out of him.”

The relationship faced several problems as both partners tried to compromise to make things work; he agreed to abstain from sex with her but, in the end, tried many times to talk her out of saving sex for marriage. Eventually, the couple broke up, and Spenceley decided to put her love life on paper and talk about sex — or her lack of it.

“A couple of things dawned on me after the breakup: First, if an adult’s decision to practice the virtue of chastity is confusing and absurd to one person, it’s probably confusing and absurd to a lot of people. Second, I work for Florida’s largest newspaper, which means I have access to a lot of people,” Spenceley said.

Taking advantage of her position at the Times, Spenceley then asked the opinion editor if she could write about why she’s saving sex. He said yes, and it all began. Within 30 minutes the essay was posted online, people wouldn’t stop talking about it. For two years, Spenceley would receive emails full of professional and personal questions, and as a result, she sat down to write Chastity Is For Lovers.

The book has eight chapters, each separated into several smaller sections. They cover topics including dating, the difference between chastity and abstinence, what it is like to be a virgin in a culture opposed to it and the difference between love and being in love. Most of the time, sections start with a narrative or a story, usually taken from Spenceley’s personal experiences and observations. She cites stories she has read and lessons she has learned from her quest to find a suitable husband who also practices chastity.

Even though a lot of her anecdotes don’t end with a happily ever after, Spenceley’s tone remains light, and she jokes about some of the encounters she’s had.

“Life isn’t hard because [she’s] single; life is hard because [she’s] human,” she said. What makes Spenceley’s voice distinct, however, is that she does not simply give the word “chastity” a definition, she also describes it with everyday occurrences and similes, which paint more vivid images of the abstract term. Additionally, the 28-year-old virgin also provides tips throughout the book on how to practice chastity. Instead of just defining the word or narrating her story, she attempts to help those who want to practice the same lifestyle. Her purpose in saving sex until marriage is not only to discover the best way to love someone, but also to uphold the beliefs and values taught to her by her Catholicism, so she regularly refers to her religious background in her work.

Throughout the book, the author quotes other sources, such as books she’s read and people’s she met, to support her opinion. Despite her references to other people and their work, however, she always expands on the topic by including her thoughts, infusing her personal stories into the facts. Though Spenceley is also open to other’s ideas, she points out flaws in their thinking and uses their mistakes to further support her points.

Spenceley wants readers to continue to discuss chastity and sex after reading her book. She observes that people tend to stop talking about saving sex after they turn 18 and youth groups disband.

“I want the book to restart a conversation that never should have stopped,” Spenceley said. “If we stop talking about something, we imply — even if accidentally — that it isn’t relevant anymore. But chastity and sex are never not relevant.”

In addition, she hopes some of her older readers will be able to connect with her through her personal anecdotes about her way of life.

“I want the book to be an encouragement to adults who are saving sex or sex from now on for marriage. It’s easy in our culture to feel like the only one who isn’t having sex, but they aren’t alone, and I want them to know that,” Spenceley said.

As for the future, the author plans to talk more about chastity inside and outside of churches and youth groups. She wants to appeal to young adults, a demographic she feels could benefit the most from these conversations as it is the age where people begin exploring their sexuality and discovering themselves. Spenceley sees herself writing more books after this one about similar topics because of how big an effect it has on her life.

“I also like toying with the idea of going back to school for a doctorate,” the author said. “But if I do, it’ll probably be a while.”

 

Chastity Is For Lovers goes on sale on Nov. 28, and is available now for pre-order on websites.