A Guide: Business Networking 101


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1. Appearance is everything. 

Welcome to the business and professional world, where that piece of paper you worked for four years for comes second to what kind of socks you are wearing. Just kidding — when dressing for a professional event or workday, dress to impress. You must embody the physicality of professional and success people (old rich white guys that were born wearing a blazer and swaddled by a cover letter). There are rules when it comes to dressing up for work:

  • If you walk into a professional setting with white socks on, just put your two weeks notice in quickly with dignity. You should have walked into work on your knees to get a head start on the sucking up you’ll have to do to make up for your fashion faux pas.
  • Pearls are commonly recommended but honestly it is not 1923 and you look like the bottom half of a bran muffin. Seriously, you look like a jerk.
  • Dressing professionally is just as shallow as rushing for a sorority, and they actually have the same rules when it comes to physical appearance. As far as hair goes, style it like a Kappa Delta Omega would (this goes for men too) meaning no waves*. Also, the business world cannot stress enough how important spanx are.*
  • When it comes to business attire, all you need to know is A) black is classy, B) pencil skirts are the best, and C) pinning back baby hairs is a must. Remember, appearances define who you are as well as your work ethic, sense of responsibility, and intellect, so save your white socks for the club.***For a model on how to be pathetic, click here: http://jezebel.com/batshit-sorority-pledge-email-cannot-stress-how-importa-1679804927**This is sarcasm.

2. How to Introduce Yourself.

The first thing stated in any professional setting is ‘tell me about yourself’ phrased as a question. All networking events consist of having the same conversation over and over and over again. The formula for a response to this question is as follows: “I’m Jill, and I am a junior at the University of Southern California studying International Relations with an emphasis in pre-law. I am really passionate about [enter useless cause] and I want to work as [enter unattainable career goal] as demonstrated by my internship [where I honed in my ability to buy coffee and fake laugh]. Or you could be honest:

3. Know your Audience.

There are two types of people in the professional world, A) people who like ‘numbers’ a.k.a. those who actually read The New York Times and whose ringtone is the stock exchange bell

or B) Communication majors who work to keep up with their Nekter tab.

4. Bring in your Resume

As an owner of your very own resume, you automatically fulfill the minor requirements for a degree in Creative Writing. Go Dornsife! Also, take into account the amount of time spent working on projects and jobs and realize you do this just to put it on a piece of paper. While searching for self-validation in your resume, make sure to keep it to a page maximum and be professional:

5. Do the Penelope.

At networking events and job interviews, sprinkle in your accomplishments nonchalantly amid conversation. For example:

Business Professional: The sky is blue.

You: Wow! That is so crazy. We have so much in common. Graduating magna cum laude at the University of Southern California, I was the second in my class and president of my fraternity, B.R.O. I just took a protein shot while wearing a blue mood ring.

Business Interviewer: What are your weaknesses?

You: I just love to work. It’s crazy! I take on so much, and I am a perfectionist. I work too hard. I am too good at my job. [internally: Weaknesses include trust issues, frat boys, pizza, and anything that starts with the letter Q. Anxiety ensues as I ask myself ‘why would you ask me this trap of a question?’]

Don’t forget your resume is a monologue (probably because half the things you listed aren’t real). You are performing 24/7 playing a 20-something-year-old who knows what he or she is doing. Show off your acting skills in a completely natural, unforced way:

6. Don’t be yourself.

Cool it with the sarcasm; you are not funny anyway. Do not bring up topics about race, religion, ethnicity, politics, sexual orientation, drugs, alcohol, music preference, current events, night blindness, food, chairs, bricks, your a capella group or anything related to these categories directly and indirectly. Try not to breathe as much and realize no one cares about your opinion. And act like you care.

7. Work on your Linked In account. 

There is nothing more pathetic than the Linked In biography you have write for yourself.

Jill Bill is a junior studying International Relations at the University of Southern California. Her unwavering dedication to her education and vocational pursuits are evident in her work at said nameless, grassroots organization. She is really passionate about a random cause she did a 5k for. She participated in said conference ran by her friend’s dad in Sacramento, California. She studied abroad at the American University in Paris where she dropped her classes upon arrival. She is very involved in general activities. She loves to refer to herself in third person.

Please make sure your Linked In picture is not the same profile pictured you used on your Tinder account. No one will swipe right for unprofessionalism.

8. Stay in touch. 

After all, you never know the next time you might want to use someone. This is heart and soul of networking! Networking is a series of conversations in which you put as much B.S. into connecting with someone as you can. Your rehearsed filler conversations and jokes about the weather are your way of getting your foot in the door. Be personal, interested and professional in e-mails, phone calls, or in person visits.