The seven stages of an all-nighter

We’ve all been there. We never want to go back there. But, for some of us, we inevitably end up back in the brutal cycle of an all-nighter. Here are the stages of an all-nighter that we are all familiar with:

Stage One: The moment before
You totally have this under control. That 12 page research paper you’ve been putting off for a month will be easily conquered by the productivity and efficiency you will have tonight. You already have a vague idea of what you need to write about and, even though you haven’t looked at the prompt yet or opened up the textbook, you’re sure the right talking points and answers will spontaneously reveal themselves in your midnight brilliance.

Stage Two: Preparing yourself
You can’t start a night of hard work without first mentally and physically preparing yourself, of course. First you have to get something to eat, but you can’t eat just anything. It has to be a big, hearty meal to get you through the long night. Of course, after you finish your meal, you just have to take a power nap. After all, how could you possibly attack that essay when you’re in a food coma. Now that you’ve prepared yourself, you just have to prepare your surroundings. That means cleaning your room to rid your surroundings of clutter, effectively clearing your mind. Now you’re ready to work.

Stage Three: The first break
You just spent three hours preparing to take on this all-nighter. You deserve a break. Open up a tab with Tumblr and then catch up with your friends’ activities on Facebook. Not studying or working for the last few hours has means that you should definitely reward yourself with continuing to not work or study, right?

Stage Four: Procrastination cycle
As a continuation of stage three, stage four will include all procrastination methods available. Some highlights include waiting to start at a certain time but, when you miss that time, insist that you’ll be sure to start again at the next time because, well, you missed this one. You message someone in your class to commiserate with them as they are probably also pulling an all-nighter. Then, repeat stages two and three until there are no more mundane tasks to complete and falsely reward yourself.

Stage Five: Actual work gets done
At this point, it’s midnight and you realize you have nothing done. An underlying panic fills you and all of a sudden you achieve pure concentration. You work for an amazing two to three hours without interruption and actually get things done.

Stage Six: Delusion
Anywhere between 3 a.m. and 5 a.m., you will begin to question all of your life choices and the concept of time disappears. Aside from your eyes being extremely heavy, you feel the burden of every decision you’ve ever made and soft crying or hysterical laughter may commence. Ultimately, stage six is a very personal experience. Everyone will devolve to delusion differently.

Stage Seven: The end
You’re finally done. The product of your night of hard work is either a masterpiece of academia or just enough to count as a completed assignment. Either way, the end has come. You may drag your semi-lifeless body to a printer to print your paper or crawl into bed for the last 15 minutes before your alarm goes off. Your night ends – or your morning begins – with a vow to never pull an all-nighter again, though you have the foresight to know that next week this cycle will repeat.