Baseball’s old school rules are too old
It is Opening Week for Major League Baseball, and with it comes all the pageantry of America’s pastime: the loud crack of the bat, the sliding catches, the peanuts and cracker jacks and the “unwritten rules” that lead to the dumbest controversies in all of sports.
If you haven’t heard of these “unwritten rules,” it’s because they aren’t actually rules; rather, they are old customs that players are just expected to follow, and they are really, really dumb traditions that do more harm than good.
There are literally hundreds of these, but here is an attempt to write out 10 so-called unwritten rules:
1. Never, ever, ever flip your bat after hitting a home run. Even if you’re thinking, “Damn, I hit that ball a long way,” and just want to stand there and admire it for a second, resist the urge. You should act like you’re ashamed to have humiliated the pitcher. Put your head down and jog around the bases (but not too slow because that also shows up the pitcher) like a true gentleman.
2. Otherwise, you risk retaliation in the form of a 95 miles-an-hour fastball coming straight at you the next time you take an at-bat because somewhere along the line in the history of baseball, someone decided an action that would be defined as “assault with a deadly weapon” anywhere else not on a baseball field was the best way to resolve issues — a great example for young kids out there.
3. Oh, but if you’re a pitcher and want to participate in this “retaliation,” don’t throw at the batter’s head. Instead, aim for areas such as his leg or back because you only risk breaking a bone rather than killing him. Trust me, that’s enough to justify it.
4. Sometimes, there isn’t a single player at fault, like when a team decides to celebrate a division-clinching win by jumping into the pool at their opponent’s stadium. In situations such as these (which are clearly unacceptable because celebrating is sanctioned in baseball) you should throw at the other team’s best player. After all, it’s his fault for being really good at baseball.
5. But the “unwritten rules” aren’t limited to situations where throwing at batters is acceptable. When a pitcher who has a perfect game going, under no circumstances should you talk about it — whether you’re a teammate, broadcaster or fan. Act like it’s not happening — otherwise, you’ll jinx it.
6. Speaking of perfect games, batters should never try to bunt to get on base and break it up. The first hit of the game should always be clean, not some “gimmick” that actually takes skill.
7. Bunting is also not OK when you have a large lead. Neither is stealing bases. Don’t you dare pad your stats and show up the other team. That’s not polite, and you know what’s coming the next time you come up to hit.
8. Here’s a really good one: Don’t walk across a pitcher’s mound at any time. Alex Rodriguez tried that in 2010 in a game against the Oakland A’s and pitcher Dallas Braden spoke afterward as if his privacy was violated.
“I don’t care if I’m Cy Young or the 25th man on the roster, if I’ve got the ball in my hand and I’m on that mound, that’s my mound,” Braden said. “He ran across the pitcher’s mound foot on my rubber. No, not happening. We’re not the doormat anymore.”
Isn’t baseball the best?
9. If your name is Bryce Harper or any other young phenom, beware. Opposing teams throw at your back just because they want to introduce you to the “old-school, prestigious way of baseball,” in the words of Cole Hamels, who was suspended five games in 2012 for hitting Harper in the back for no good reason, by his own admission. Also, your own teammates try to choke you in the dugout if you don’t run out a popup.
10. Basically, play the game the “right way.” Don’t be a rookie. Don’t celebrate too hard. Don’t win by too much. Give pitchers their “safe space.” Oh, and if you get traded to the Yankees and you have a beard, shave it off — all of it, or you’re not putting on that uniform. Baseball tradition must be respected.
If you’re wondering why baseball is failing to attract younger fans, it’s because of these “unwritten rules.” Baseball is inherently a slow sport. Games are played every day for approximately three hours, of which less than 20 minutes of actual action actually takes place. When put in comparison with fast-paced sports such as basketball, football or hockey, that’s an immediate turn-off.
Adding subjective “rules” that condemn celebrating and are full of random dos and don’ts makes it even worse.
“Baseball’s tired,” Harper said to ESPN The Magazine last month. “It’s a tired sport, because you can’t express yourself.”
He’s right. Showboating should be frowned upon, but staring at the ball after hitting a home run should not result in a fastball heading straight at your back.
Unfortunately, for every Bryce Harper, there’s a Goose Gossage, an old ex-ballplayer who went on a rant for the ages in response to Harper’s comments.
“What, do we want a bunch of Cam Newtons running around?” Gossage said to the New York Post.
Yes, Goose, as a matter of fact, a bunch of Cam Newtons running around is precisely what baseball needs.
Eric He is a freshman majoring in print and digital journalism. He is also the sports editor of the Daily Trojan. His column, “Grinding Gears,” runs Fridays.
One must wonder if the writer ever played baseball. Perhaps he grew up overseas, playing another sport. Whatever his sport was, if it is as ancient as baseball, it likely has developed its own peculiar customs and traditions. Baseball is indeed a slow-moving, deliberate game without the constant, riveting action of basketball, soccer, hockey and other sports. Foreigners especially complain that baseball to them is plodding, boring and tedious, and they say they cannot understand the appeal.
But tens of millions of fans in the US, Japan and Central America grew up playing and watching the game, and like baseball fine the way it is. The knowledgeable ones find baseball’s quirks and idiosyncrasies intriguing and charming. OK, I like baseball, but I have been playing or watching for many years. Perhaps the writer of this “old school rules” article will just have to find basketball, soccer and hockey games to watch.
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One must wonder if the commenter is a xenophobe. Perhaps he grew up unexposed to other races. Whatever his background, if it taught some values, it likely has taught him that people of other races can be native-born Americans too. The writer is indeed an Asian American male without the traits of other traditional sports writers. Traditionalists especially complain about people who don’t fit the traditional model of an American and make assumptions.
But tens of millions of Americans have roots from other places like Japan and Central America. The knowledgeable ones accept the fact that Americans, regardless of their ethnicities, know about American culture as a whole. OK, I like comment sections, but I have been commenting for many years. Perhaps the writer of this comment will just have to keep making assumptions.
Fair enough, LaQuefa and Eric. No slur against race or ethnicity intended. Sorry. Not xenophobic; my four grandparents came to the US escaping terrible circumstances overseas, like the ancestors of many other Americans. My point was that the peculiar customs and rules of baseball may make little sense to someone who has not played the game, but are rooted in long tradition for those who have played and watched for many years. These customs and rules are part of the game and traditionalists may prickle at criticism of baseball. But baseball is not an exclusively American game. Japan, Cuba, El Salvador, various other So. and Central American countries, Taiwan and several European countries play. Some of their baseball customs and tradition started in the US, some are their own, home-grown and may well be annoying to those unaccustomed to them.
On the other hand, Eric may have also enthusiastically played and watched other sports as well as baseball, whether they originated in the US sports or not. In most such cases, one can find customs and traditions that make little sense and may even seem counter to the fun of the sport. But they become rooted in long practice and history. Yes, Eric and LaQuefa have every right to point to such customs and traditions as being negative or illogical. And those who view baseball as sacrosanct may feel stung and respond with a sense of personal affront, believing the game to be part of their lives and not subject to criticism from others. Keep up the good writing, LaQuefa and Eric.