POINT: Affirmative consent cannot work without communication

Sonali Seth | Daily Trojan

Four years ago, California legislators legalized “affirmative consent” — a clear standard for sexual contact that requires affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement from both parties. But when an anonymous woman called Grace published her account of a murky sexual encounter with actor and self-proclaimed feminist Aziz Ansari, the account was met with a flurry of different responses, ranging from those who disavowed Ansari, to those who resonated with the incident but couldn’t quite put their finger on the violation, to those who decried the controversy entirely. It’s become clear that affirmative consent isn’t a concept familiar to most people.

Even though affirmative consent may be a legal standard in California, it’s not a cultural one. The responses to this incident show that far from accepting affirmative consent as the prevailing marker, we don’t even understand it.

This is because when California passed its affirmative consent bill in 2014, universities failed to realize just how radical the idea really was. We plastered “Yes Means Yes” posters on walls, but college students didn’t challenge themselves to actually abide by the new standard. And today, most people simply don’t exercise affirmative consent in their daily lives, creating a point of contention. If we want the #MeToo movement to not only dethrone powerful sexual predators, but also change sexual dynamics between men and women for the better, then we must consider a new framework entirely. And we can’t just preach “yes means yes;” we have to ask that verbal, affirmative consent — not just the absence of a “no” — be used in our personal lives, as well.

If both Ansari and Grace had understood affirmative consent, the situation wouldn’t have unfolded the way it did. So, even if one thinks that it’s too extreme to require a verbal “yes” for sex, it is clear that the practice is both helpful and useful to ensure the comfort of all parties involved.

Art by Di Wu | Daily Trojan

So here’s a message for the “good guys.” You might have identified with Ansari before Grace’s account was published. You want to respect women in your daily personal life. Maybe you went to the Women’s March this past weekend. And perhaps you also saw yourself as the Ansari portrayed in Grace’s account — you’re not a “mind reader,” as Bari Weiss of The New York Times wrote in Ansari’s defense.

Well, if you use affirmative consent, you don’t have to be a mind reader. Waiting for a “yes” from your partner is clear and unambiguous; it is an extraordinarily helpful way to ensure the constant comfort of your partner.

Critics say that affirmative consent isn’t reflective of the actual reality of intimacy. But so what? Can’t we change that? Grace’s account of her encounter with Ansari resonated with thousands of women because it was so relatable. So many women have had similar experiences, which they might remember as various degrees of regrettable, uncomfortable, coercive or even tantamount to assault. And having both parties understand and use affirmative consent could have prevented all of that.

We must acknowledge that using this standard is a radical departure from the status quo. Affirmative consent encompasses more than the deceptively simple slogan “yes means yes.” It is an inquiry into a verbal agreement before actions are taken.

So talk to your partner about affirmative consent. Maybe you’ll decide it isn’t for you, but provide yourself the opportunity for greater communication, which can only lead to better, more well-informed relationships and intimacy.

Yet, the cultural conversation doesn’t end here. The next step is to define at which points affirmative consent might be necessary, and to come to a consensus.

This will be difficult — if the responses to the Ansari allegations show us anything, it’s that the #MeToo movement is chock full of nuanced and diverse opinions. But think of the benefits: We could harness #MeToo not just to yank sexual predators out of power, but also to seep into all of our individual lives to reconceptualize and improve our relationships. With these difficult conversations, we could forge a better sexual culture on campus and in our lives after college. Enduring an intellectual back-and-forth, for that legacy? I’ll take it.

Sonali Seth is a senior majoring in policy, planning and development. “Point/Counterpoint” runs Wednesdays.