OPINION: EVKitty bullies students for meal swipes

In a shocking change of character, the once-cuddly, beloved EVKitty is now intimidating transfer students for meal swipes.

Incidents were first reported when the feline returned from winter break, muscled up and determined to make up for missing out on nearly a month’s worth of free meals. EVKitty entered spring semester equipped with impressive pectorals and tribal sleeve tattoos, making it clear she wasn’t going to let another plate of mediocre pizza or questionable beef stroganoff slip away.

Transfer classmates, still viewing EVKitty as the friendly creature raved about by returning USC students, were shocked by their encounters. Unsuspecting newbies often approached the cat expecting a leg-snuggle or playful walk across their keyboard. To their surprise, she instead stood on her hind legs, grabbed them by the shirt collar and demanded that they swipe her in for a full meal at Everybody’s Kitchen.

“I froze. I didn’t know what to do,” exclaimed Tyler Gronsberg, a timid transfer student from George Mason University. “She told me that if I didn’t swipe her, she would shove my head in the toilet and make me recite the Trojan Fight Song. I just got here! I barely know what that is!”

EVKitty soon expanded her reach to the Parkside and USC Village dining halls, as well as Moreton Fig when tracking down transfers with particularly low willpower and rich parents.

“You can sniff it out,” explained EVKitty, whose ability to speak fluent English gained the over months of mooching leftover cereal from study groups and gossiping sorority girls.

“My favorites are the ones who concede immediately,” EVKitty said. “It’s a simpler process that way: I tell them swipe me in. They say no. I call them a lil’ bitch. Soon enough, I’m eating like Nikias is having Thanksgiving Dinner all over again.”

DPS has been notified of the cat’s antics, but has done little to ameliorate the issue, citing “her deep, gravelly voice” and “those traps.”

It is unclear just how many swipes the muscled feline has accumulated over the semester from transfer students. In speculation, EVKitty put down her cigarette, released a hearty laugh, and calculated “around 2,300, not counting the times I’ve used them just to get one of those crappy apples to throw at kids.”

Regarding her long-term goals behind the bullying, the now-infamous cat answered: “I’m about to eat until people think I’m having kittens. That way I’ll get some sympathy swipes from old customers.”