What does your zodiac sign say about your personality?

Pisces (Feb. 22 to March 20)

“True Life: Lil B from the Pack.” They are the suburban cheerleaders of the zodiac signs. Excessive positivity, one-track mindedness, and baseless optimism are all apparent as a Pisces is consistently talking over people to get his or her point across. Cracked out on genuine hope for humanity, the psychological age of these December babies is parallel to that of a 30-year-old who made the mistake of going to UCLA. What they lack in common sense, they make up for in supportiveness and in the ability to make connections.

Aries (March 21 to Apr. 19)

“You’re 12. Literally.”If the characteristics of a zodiac sign could equate to a specific type of Tinder profile picture, an Aries would be a mirror selfie with the flash left on; basically, these January babies are perpetually 12 years old, because an early birth date accounted for their peaking in 6th grade. Luckily, the connections made at that age are hard to let go of and they are categorized under an energetic, outgoing, competitive alpha archetype. While being cool in middle school has its perks, the pressure to live up to the Photo Booth days has forced the Aries population to live vicariously through the internet. The special skill set of an Aries is astute social media prowess; in addition to having the hottest yaks on YikYak, they have at least 100+ likes on their Facebook profile pictures because real middle school cred never dies.

Taurus (Apr. 20 to May 20)

“We should totally just stab Caesar!” The ‘T’ in Taurus actually stands for Tiger Mom, as people of this sign strategically use their harsh wit and sarcasm to cover up how political and opportunist they really are. Remember the girl in high school who was second in her class? A Taurus is her college counselor. Essentially, these individuals are natural-born overachievers, marred by their hatred or instability of everything. Nothing is ever enough for a Taurus. What they lack for in academic grace, they make up for in social climbing. When they are not rolling their eyes, they are busy being the most personable, relatable and professional students out there. The humility of life as a Taurus will fuel their ability to ace interviews and secure any job of their choosing. As soon as these individuals let go of their control freak ways and learn to compete with themselves instead of other people, they can successfully update the current status of their LinkedIn accounts to working as a CEO, senator and head surgeon (all at once).

Gemini (May 21 to June 21)

If you already reading this, then it’s already too late. Everybody loves a Gemini, because they have perfected the ability to maintain goof-ball humor while still being pathetically cute. Fact: Katy Perry’s left shark from the Superbowl is a Gemini. Also, adult braces were also first introduced to the world by a Gemini. When they are not uploading ‘white girl dancing’ snaps to the USC Campus story, their adjustable, versatile, enthusiastic and silly traits make them loved by all. Their hobbies include excessive socializing and meeting new people. The “About Me” section of a Gemini’s Instagram biography adheres to a strict format:

(1) Gemini Name.

(2) Zodiac Sign. (Gemini).

(3) Hometown. (LA—>LA)

(4) Age. (13)

(5) College Name. (USC ’15)

(6) Major. (Biology is what defines me)

(7) Extremely cliche quote. (I live for the nights I can’t remember with the people I can’t forget.)

(8) Random emoji

 

They will follow you back!

Cancer (June 22 to July 22)

When they are not hysterically sobbing over the last season of House of Cards, Cancers are busy out-sassing their peers with witty wordplay, unbridled cynicism and crisp sarcasm. They are everyone’s confidant and emotional partner, as their sensitivity coupled with a sharp sense of humor provides the perfect balance of understanding and tough love. Embodying the notion of ‘Treat Yo Self!” from Parks and Recreation, a Cancer will always encourage you to indulge in yourself. Whether it be binge shopping or heavy drinking, they will bring out the hedonist in you. Keep in mind these are the kids who started watching porn in the 5th grade: overexposure means that nothing is too much for a Cancer. Most importantly, Cancers are well known for their ability to perform full on concerts covering their favorite rap artists while under the influence. They are very particular about their tastes in music, food, and literature.

Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22)

“Stop trying to make fetch happen.” Leo is the Spanish word for poser. Kylie Jenner is the poster child for the July/August birth cause. They are very much consumed with material items and choose to accept the idea of people, yet they reject the people themselves. The fake way in which they treat people regards them as socially inept. In fact, their personalities are about as active and ‘popping’ as the Jonas Brothers in 2008. Outrageously entitled, they always believe they are right and often times argue for things that do not make any sense. As soon as a Leo stops trying to be something he or she is not, the world will yield great opportunities in terms of work and relationships.

Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)

“***Flawless.” Virgo is the only sign untouched by negative qualities and serious character flaws. Virgos are highly intelligent and very informed about society. They also combine the triad of wit, merit, and beauty effortlessly. They are naturally articulate and have the capacity to say only things that are worth hearing. Above all else, they are known for being hard workers. Virgos Samantha Power and the author of this blog post are born on the day, which ultimately makes the case for their title of the “Best People in America and Abroad.” Most Virgos learn how to speak after the first week of their conception and they usually teach themselves advanced level Bikram yoga in the womb. Fact: Beyonce is a Virgo.

Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 23)

“No filter!” Libras are best identified by their posts and overall social media presence. Their behavior is made up of number of patterns: (1) If you see a pressed juice pictured in front of a car steering wheel, know that it is most definitely the work of a Libra and that the juice itself was bought for the sole purpose of ‘sharing’ on Instagram. (2) Ever seen a picture of toes on social media? It is the gross and socially unacceptable by-product of their trademark cluelessness. No one wants to see your feet naked! (3) Libras never pose in photos alone; in fact, all of their posts are mid-narrative in an effort to create a faux edgy and fashionable appearance. These include and are not limited to pictures of uncontrollable laughing between two parties, captioned with an unrelated quote OR a couple in which one party is looking at the ground overwhelmed by the need to feign emotion. Offline, however, Libras are the greatest people you will ever meet as their unwavering compassion, sensitivity, and understanding toward others supersedes any issues they may have with themselves. You can always trust and believe in the potential of a Libra.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 to Nov. 20)

“I’m kind of a big deal.” The stereotype of the Scorpio being some kind of overtly sexual subspecies has accounted for its evolution from a group of charismatic people to those a pretentious one. If a Scorpio could be ranked on the Greek Fraternity system, it would without a doubt get a bid from TKE. With respectful to their sparkling personalities, they speak loudly and with purpose — just to hear the sound of their own voice. On the other hand, this level of rudeness contributes significantly to a Scorpio’s cynicism and elitist humor. Nevertheless, their sense of entitlement will eventually work to their advantage as fearlessness and confidence are imperative to making it in the corporate world.

Sagittarius (Nov. 21 to Dec. 20) 

**‘i’ by Kendrick Lamar plays in the background** A Sagittarius is, above all else, notorious for its fire-cracker personality and outspokenness. If Nicki Minaj’s verse on ‘Monster’ could be a person, it would be one born in November. As social butterflies, these individuals love partying almost as much as they love themselves. A Sagittarius is the type of person who looks into a window and tries to use it as a mirror. A study shows that the Sagittarius population only spends one-third of their lives sober; because of this, their intense drinking has become habitual to the point in which they resort drinking water out of shot glasses. Moreover, these are the type of people who have about 400 selfies on their camera roll. Also, if you know someone who has an unhealthy amount of baby photos in their photo stream, you know without a doubt that they are a Sagittarius.

 

Capricorn (Dec. 23 to Jan. 20) 

There’s Something About Mary. Hanging out with a Capricorn is liking watching Jamie Lee Curtis on an Activa commercial: completely pointless, very confusing and slightly uncomfortable. Capricorns are very secretive and aloof compared to the rest of the astrological signs; much of their nature remains unknown. These individuals are the pariahs of the zodiac community. They are very studious and are part of the select few who still attend lecture. Capricorns are found in the basement of Leavey, where they are free to be their quirky, idiosyncratic, and nerdy selves!

Aquarius (Jan. 21 to Feb. 21) 

We get it…Your mom actually likes you. An Aquarius is the product of a successful upper middle class upbringing and a solid college education. This means that his mother essentially went to PTA meetings, consistently volunteered at high school jazz festivals and completed all three of his college essays. An Aquarius is what happens when a person’s parents  keep their marriage intact, willingly avoid divorce and genuinely like each other. The Aquarius population constantly participates in class, because for some ridiculous reason they have been lied to believe that their opinions actually matter. Much of a conversation with an Aquarius is inflated with meaningless and filler exchanges, as they never know precisely what they are talking about; regardless, these students are active as the heads of USG government and other camp organizations while they intern at the most requitable companies in L.A. Their means of securing a place in society may be questionable but the work they put in to stay there is ultimately telling of an Aquarius’s merit, sincerity and diligence.