Every time Miley quits Twitter, a kitten dies

The hot scandal in Hollywood right now is, unsurprisingly, a feud involving a certain Disney star we love to hate. Yes, Miley Cyrus is at it again, but she’s taken it up a notch: Instead of warring with Selena Gomez, she’s out to defeat Twitter, once and for all.

A few weeks ago, Cyrus made a YouTube video where she rapped (yes, rapped) about quitting the website. In the video, called “Good-bye Twitter,” Cyrus quipped that The reasons are simple/I started Tweeting ’bout pimples/I stopped living for moments and started living for people, and it had an unexpectedly self-aware style that I actually found a bit entertaining.

While Cyrus’s rap was more artistically forgivable than some of her music, not everyone forgave Cyrus for her decision to delete her Twitter. In fact, she has been forced to comment again on the situation after a crazy fan threatened to kill a kitten if Cyrus did not return.

Some people may see this as harmful — its guaranteed that PETA has already tracked down the IP address of the villain. As a self-proclaimed Internet nerd, however, I am thrilled: The web’s greatest meme is back, and this real life version is much more hilarious than the first — how could it not be?

You probably remember those pictures of the kitty being chased by two Domos through a field of grass. The image from 2002 had text at the bottom that read, “Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Please, think of the kittens.” I’m sure you laughed when you saw the video, parodies of it and the sex club it inspired: Killing Kittens.

While you chuckled and emailed the risqué-yet-hilarious graphic to your friends, it probably didn’t cross your mind that someday, someone would play God and actually kill said kitten. And it wouldn’t be caused by your naughtiness, but by Cyrus not tweeting. Who knew?

The crazed Miley fan (@mileysavefuzzy) has started a single serving website, www.mileysavefuzzy.com, where he will keep us posted on Cyrus’ compliance, which as of now is none. Instead, the celebrity has sparked a huge debate on the network, commenting to news sources things like, “I think Twitter should be banned from the universe.”

Okay, Miley, I know you’re 16, but that is immature. We can’t ban things from the universe, don’t be ridiculous. Especially not Twitter, the networking service that has taken America, Iran and pretty much everywhere else by storm. The pop star admits that she loved it (she raps, I may have some withdrawals/I was a little obsessed), but vetoed any real hope of her return by stating she is “not a big fan of the Internet anymore.”

To this talk of quitting I still say, tough luck, Hannah Montana. The Internet needs you. Not only will your presence on Twitter save the life of a helpless kitten, but your absence will be the demise of bloggers and 4Chan nerds everywhere — whether or not you are aware of it, Cyrus herself may be the meme of our generation,” with “That’s so Miley” as the epitomal catchphrase.

Unfortunately for all us humane Twitter-lovers out there, the only person mean enough to fully capitalize on her existence is someone who’s idea of success is a dead cat.

The notion that anyone could quit the digital world and remain a functional human is ridiculous, even for a celebrity. Maybe Cyrus has forgotten what a role model she is, and that this statement could cause thousands of young girls to delete their social media accounts? She must realize the power her music has, and to realize that this the Internet is where the future is. The Internet is now a way of life, not just something you can brush out of your life. By encouraging her followers to put down their laptops, Cyrus is essentially making them defunct citizens.

With Cyrus shoving the web aside so nonchalantly, could she make hating the Internet the new punk rock? Will tweens be throwing their Ethernet cables around in the streets, wreaking havoc on the 30-somethings messing around on Facebook?

Hopefully Cyrus doesn’t start a movement, culminating with her army of prepubescents causing the next Y2K. And hopefully Cyrus realizes how addicted the lot of us were to her 140-characters of emo, or how addicted innocent kittens are to life.

Jen Winston is a junior majoring in communication. Her column, “The Memeing of Life,” runs Tuesdays.