The new face of humanitarianism is heavy on the eyeliner

¡No lo puedo creer! It’s only Jan. 21 and we’ve already reached the point in the year when it has become need to consult the sage wisdom of Cher Horowitz to deal with the wretched state of the world at large has become unavoidable. Alicia Silverstone’s Cher, the natural blonde prophet of 1995’s Clueless, had this to say about providing aid to desperate Haiti-ans [sic]:

“The Haiti-ans need to come to America. But some people are all, ‘What about the strain on our resources?’ Well, it’s like when I had this garden party for my father’s birthday, right? I put R.S.V.P. ‘cause it was a sit-down dinner. But some people came that, like, did not R.S.V.P. I was, like, totally buggin’. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food and squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haiti-ans.”

What do you take away from that? I interpret it as an unqualified appeal to the American people — a people of significantly greater means and resources than the quake-ravaged and desperate Haitians to the south — to sacrifice what we can for the benefit of those whose present situation is far more dire than our own. Additionally, isn’t it telling how much more willing we are to act as an international police force than an international emergency response crew? Cher was aware of that, and in her impassioned address to her colleagues in afternoon speech class, she espoused (in an admittedly roundabout fashion) a simple policy of doing what you can.

This is where it gets Lifestylish, I promise; Lady Gaga, a fake blonde prophet from the current millennium, is making some high-profile strides to provide aid to the survivors of last week’s Caribbean shake-down (I hope that doesn’t sound too much like a cocktail: no disrespect or belittlement intended). In her Jan. 15 appearance on Oprah, M’Lady declared Jan. 24 “Gaga For Helping Haiti Day.”

Awkwardly phrased but well meaning, the part-online, part-in-person event this coming Sunday will likely generate a windfall of financial assistance for the Haitian situation (again, no levity was meant by the rhyme). As it’s worded on her website in a barrage of capitals that would make Kanye proud, “PROCEEDS FROM ALL MERCHANDISE PURCHASED ON LADYGAGA.COM ON THIS DATE WILL GO DIRECTLY TO HAITIAN EARTHQUAKE RELIEF. FOR MONSTERS ATTENDING THE MONSTER BALL IN NYC THAT EVENING, PROCEEDS FROM ALL TICKET SALES & MERCH SOLD WILL ALSO BE DONATED TO THE CAUSE.”

A special shirt has even been created for the occasion. Admittedly, there have been more beauteous things designed, but Gaga’s just doing what she can to help out her monsters in need.

Cher would be proud.