Beer for the romantic in you
A musky July evening.
The sound of castanets flutters through the air. A red scarf descends to the floor. A single breath dances from your lips, you feel your lover’s heart quaking like the crusts of Vesuvius and somewhere, beyond many seas and mountains, a child is born.
There’s nothing quite like a summer fling, especially when the temperature outside skyrockets to dehydrating levels. Don’t let a night with that special someone end with Gatorade and a fast immersion in a bathtub of ice. You can keep cool and keep the future sexy with these five svelte beers, crisper than a bin of arugula and brewed with amorous care.
Franziskaner Hefe-Weisse — Franziskaner Weissbier Brewery, Munich
In college quantities, alcohol turns the body to putty. But when used sparingly, it can set off fireworks in one’s central nervous system. Franziskaner’s classic Hefe-Weisse is a delicate brew, light as a Cornish game hen but boasting enough bitter hops and accents of lemon zest to curl one’s toes. 
On a broiling summer night, there’s no cooler comfort than this Munich import. If you’re feeling extra ambitious, pour the Hefe-Weisse into a wide beer glass.
It will bring out the flavors more sharply, not to mention the air of Roger Moore sophistication.
Climax Cream Ale — Climax Brewing Company, Roselle Park, CAlif.
A beer so provocatively named should be a disappointment waiting to happen, but the exquisite Cream Ale from Roselle Park’s Climax Brewing Company is a hazy delight.
A deep shade of gold when poured, the brew is as soft as a gossamer pillow but rounded out with momentary highlights of green apple and citrusy hops.
The beer is so similar in taste to a Belgian white ale that the “cream” here seems more opportunism than brewing by-product.
St. Ambroise Oatmeal Stout — McAuslan Brewing, Montréal, Quebec
You’ve got to hand it to the Québécois. First they revive electrofunk with the onslaught of Chromeo, and now, they’ve crafted one of the most salacious beers this side of Le Chateau Frontenac.
Though one would not typically lace a seduction with the words “oatmeal” or “stout,” this St. Ambroise brew is a firestorm of wheat and dark chocolates, the latter a classic aphrodisiac.
Straddling that fine line between bitter and butter-sweet, the St. Ambroise Oatmeal Stout is a rejuvenating experience and a classier alternative to a heart-shaped box of stale candies.
Three Philosophers Belgian Style Quadrupel — Brewery Ommegang, Cooperstown, NY
A must for brewers yeast connoisseurs, this strapping Belgian ale comes packed with enough starter to bake a load of sourdough and enough cherries for one of George Washington’s mythic pies.
Although it’s brewed and bottled on the western side of the pond, the Three Philosophers is as earthy and fruity as Seville’s finest sangria, only colder. It even comes with a cork, perfect for a dramatic, post-coital uncapping.
Like the Franziskaner, this one is best enjoyed out of the bottle, with sips of tantric patience.
Royal Virility Performance — Brewdog, Fraserburgh, Aberdeenshire
This is the next best thing to a front-row seat for Prince William and Kate Middleton’s impending nuptials. In honor of the soon-to-be newlyweds, the beer masochists at Scotland’s Brewdog (who tazed our taste buds with Sink The Bismarck and Nuclear Penguin) have engineered the world’s first brew directly marketed as an aphrodisiac.
An India Pale Ale by definition, the Royal Virility Performance is not only packed with dark chocolate but also Horny Goat Weed extract, the porn star equivalent of Vitamin C.
For now, Brewdog is only producing 1,000 bottles of this erotic elixir, so chances are you’ll need a hefty load of greenbacks to pick one up in the states.