A Cynic’s Guide to Valentine’s Day: Will you be my anti-Valentine?

What is anti-Valentine’s Day? Below you’ll get a breakdown of why you should become your own anti-Valentine and how to celebrate this festive Feb. 14 holiday.

WHY? If you agree with any of the following statements, you’re already half way there! Read more for reasons to denounce the day dedicated to projecting the consumerist, Hallmark notion of “love.” (Two reasons why Valentine’s Day is stupid).

For singles: 

One in five women suffer from desperate dry girl syndrome. Symptoms include referring to Feb. 14 as “Single Awareness Day!” Posting excessively on social media will result in side effects such as manifesting self-pity, romanticizing relationships, failing in an attempt to be witty or sarcastic. Seek medical help if loneliness persists or if attention-seeking worsens. Do not drive or operate machinery as it will probably result in you crying into a donut while driving. Talk to your local pharmacy to learn more about what it means to hold your own, to love yourself and to be okay with being alone. Until then, have fun celebrating S.A.D. Happy Single Awareness Day!

For Couples:

The worst thing about Valentine’s Day is the incessant Instagram posts, Facebook default changes and picture tweets with no caption. It’s like Coachella for couples: pics or it didn’t happen. Once you hit share, you are immediately desensitizing yourself to what relationships and love actually are: a moment goes from the intimacy of one person’s eyes to something the whole world can see. Keep in mind social media perpetuates fakeness, relationships are not all bae goals and rom-com dates:

• Let’s be real, we all know your mom took that picture of you and your boyfriend making out.
• You probably met on tinder.
• Did you take that insta before or after he cheated on you?
• Not to mention, your post will ironically be placed under a long bible verse from your born-again Christian neighbor. Thou shall not troll the feed (Corinthians 2:14).

In other words, next time you share a post, ask yourself, “What am I trying to prove?”

HOW? Now that your a Valen-cynic, here is your guide to gift-giving yourself or your significant other. 

For Singles:

To all of the anti-Valentines, just because no one loves you does not mean you still can’t be drunk in love. Every time you see a heart-eyes emoji out of context, take a shot.

For Couples: 

There are three types of Valentine’s Day gifts, all of which are pretty weird if you think about it. There are the cliches like chocolate, flowers, and jewelry. What these gifts really do are make you fat, suggest you need to smell better, and turn your wrist green via a Forever21 bracelet. Wow, true love never dies.

There is a risqué option for cheap and thirsty boyfriends. Today of all days, your boyfriend gifts you lingerie just to show how much you are appreciated, underwear is your market value equivalent. Don’t worry, he totally likes you for your personality.

(Said no one ever).

Basically, gift-giving on V-Day is a trap. You are telling someone ‘this is how much you are worth to me’ (valued at equal or lesser value of probably 30 bucks). He loves you three trips to Nekter much (aw).

And, last but not least, for everyone: 

The best part of anti-Valentine’s Day is the proliferation of V-Day MEMES!