Veganism allowed me to overcome body image issues

Long limbs move gracefully through space, extending  and retracting like thick taffy. Tactful toes spread into the marley, pushing against the soft canvas slippers. Arms extend forward, bestowing the tender skin that screams, “Take me, I’m yours!”

This movement, feminine in form, presents the paradoxical nature of ballet. The women must be strong yet soft, controlled yet helpless, technical yet emotional. These antitheses, as previously discussed last week, have the ability to either create constant harmony, constant conflict or both.

The lattermost outcome, to my understanding, is most in accordance with reality. While these antitheses create order by instituting guidelines to adhere by, leaning too far in one direction can destabilize one’s sense of being. This uncertainty causes female ballet dancers to question themselves, grappling with the fact that they’ll never achieve perfection — technically, emotionally and most destructively, physically. Before I was vegan, I had a terribly unhealthy relationship with food. Obsessively logging my calories in MyFitnessPal became a habitual practice my sophomore year of high school.

Unfortunately, the female struggle to acquire and maintain a slim physique is not exclusive to the world of ballet. Every day, women are fed the ideal that equates thinness to beauty. Take, for example, Victoria’s Secret ads that feature lean models running around in their underwear, Brandy Melville’s “One Size Fits Most” clothing that really only fits sizes small and medium, or Ariana Grande, Kendall Jenner and every other thin celebrity or model that posts racy images of their bodies on social media platforms. Scarily enough, these examples don’t even address the entertainment industry that tend to glorify thin women.

Luckily, there has been an increasing amount of opposition to the thin ideal. Meghan Trainor’s song, “All About That Bass,” celebrates curviness, Aerie’s #AerieREAL campaign challenges supermodel standards by featuring untouched photos of everyday women, and Dove’s Self Esteem Project strives to reduce girls’ anxiety over their appearances.

However, the obsession and glamorization of feminine thinness nevertheless prevails over reason. The push and pull of the antitheses and the constant pressure to be thin result in the need for control. This control manifests itself in the form of eating disorders. In fact, 20 million reported females suffer from eating disorders on a daily basis.

When I wasn’t comfortable with my body, I excessively worked out every day of the week, in addition to my already demanding dance training. My family life was a mess and restricting what I ate served as my only source of control. If I went a day without logging my calories, I would look in the mirror and perceive myself as fat. After logging my calories, I suddenly looked skinny. This body dysmorphia I developed negatively affected my psyche. If I ate something I wasn’t supposed to — usually in private — I would break down in tears and shame myself for indulging. I went to bed hungry every night, feeling a sense of accomplishment at the rumbles coming from my empty stomach.

Fortunately, I began to eat more my junior year, after I realized I was slowly killing myself. The 15 pounds I gained back that year still managed to upset me, even though I regained my healthy figure.

When I became a vegan during my senior year, my relationship with food unexpectedly changed.

I began to eat food to fuel my body, counting the array of colors on my plate, instead of the calories. Instead of being judgmental of myself and others, I became more open-minded and generous, as I increased my sphere of compassion to the animals, which in turn infiltrated into the neglected private sphere (myself) and public sphere (friends, family, and strangers). In changing my mindset, I changed my lifestyle, and doing so helped me begin to redefine my definition of beauty.

Beauty is not determined by the size of your clothing, the measurement of your hips, or the definition of your abs. All of those quantities and qualities are superficial and subjective, whereas strength of character and healthiness of the mind, body and spirit are beautiful in nature. After all, once you grow older, what are you going to look back on with pride? How taut and thin your body was or your life accomplishments? To empower yourself and others is truly a blessing. Let’s redefine beauty rather than succumb to the unattainable thin ideal.

Tessa Nesis is a sophomore majoring in NGOs and social change.  Her column, “The Sentient Bean,” runs on Thursdays.