In order to find the right person, you must be the right person

This week, I’m talking about a recent failure in my love life. Yes, friends, some of the greatest lessons come from failure — and I am not shy to say that I have had my fair share of defeat.

A couple of months ago, I was hanging out at a local Starbucks, doing the regular coffee run so I don’t kill anyone. You know how some people say they get “hangry” if they don’t eat food: hungry plus angry, cute right? Well, yeah. When I don’t drink coffee, I get “where the hell is my freakin’ coffee?!” I digress. I clearly haven’t my cup today.

So as I wait for my coffee, I stand by the pick-up area, and as a law-abiding citizen (well, that’s a lie, I’m Australian — more like law-abiding, legal non-resident alien as my mail from the U.S. Government likes to label me), I make sure I follow all signs whether the signs are on the road or if they are in stores. Looking up at this “pick up here” sign, I decided to fulfil my obligation and proceed to “pick up.”

Standing next to me was this gorgeous girl. She had a great smile and an amazing fashion taste, so I smiled at her and dropped the least creepy and totally charming line I had in my arsenal.

“Nice furry keychain. Mind if I pet it?” I asked.

If you remember from the get-go of this article, I did say that this was a story of failure. However, friends, this horrible encounter is not where I failed. Quite the opposite, actually. But do not be dismayed, failure does come eventually.

This girl and I hit it off alright, but not enough to really warrant a natural exchange of numbers. Too many times I have seen people be really pushy for what’s called a “number-close,” and I’m not really about that. Besides, I was already getting distracted by the smell of my coffee. I thanked her for letting me pet her keychain, and I told her it was nice to meet her.

A week later, I was up late and really couldn’t sleep. So, naturally I was on this mobile phone app that connects you with people around your area, maybe some of you have heard about it? Counting people by swiping left and right is the new form of counting sheep if you can’t sleep.

I got a match with this oddly familiar-looking girl, and we were having a really great and meaningful emoji battle when it finally hit me.

“WAIT. IS THAT U?! Furry keychain girl?” I messaged her.

“OMG, [laughing and crying emoji]. YOU’RE THAT GUY!” she responded.

There are three Fs that I live by — fate, fun and FIRE. For me, it’s not a good romance unless there’s some fate with the person, the other person’s fun and of course, the other person is FIYAH (inside and out).

I took her out that weekend to the most L.A. thing you could do. I had this hookup at this art gallery, not open to the public, in this redecorated and restored industrial warehouse in downtown Los Angeles. The gallery had a DJ, free drinks, some finger foods and some good vibes.

She was awesome and filled all the requirements I had on my ideal partner list. She was fun, down-to-earth and pretty freakin’ artsy. Oh, but there was this one problem though … Just a slight one. She never responded to my text messages after what I thought was a great date night. I was ghosted, pretty bloody hard.

There’s the failure I was talking about.

I was pretty confused about it for a while. But looking back on that interaction, I realized that although it seemed like we had really good chemistry, a lot of it was actually kind of one-sided (namely, from me). Here was this person that I had some sort of inkling would be a great partner. However, for some reason, I was just not a good enough potential partner for her to continue exploring the relationship. Actually, her ghosting me was not a complete blindside. During our date, she talked a little about what her ideal type was — some of the features included being patient, put-together, mature and driven. And if I’m honest, I guess I still have a lot of room to grow in those departments.

This furry keychain girl helped me realize something. As a love columnist, I have a lot of questions that come up here and there to me. A lot of them start to have a pretty similar echo. To give a few examples: “How do I find the one? How do I know if she’s the one?” “How do I reach and not settle?” and “Where are all the good ones out there?”

Valid questions. But they all have to do with the other potential partner, and less to do with ourselves. With all this dialogue going on about “the other,” it’s easy to get ourselves tricked into thinking that love is about finding the person you were meant to be with. It’s all about finding the one.

Yet here I was, after a few years of failed flings and relationships, and waiting around for someone to show up on my doorstep. I was thinking I had found maybe not “the one,” but at the very least a potential partner to explore a relationship with. I wasn’t what she was looking for, though. And it was kind of weird to me — all this time waiting, and this moment was here, but I just wasn’t ready for the moment.

And that brings me to some love advice that I want to share with you all today. Here’s a harsh question obscured by this awkward tongue twister: friend, are you “the one” that “the one you are looking for” is looking for? We spend so much of our time and energy and resources on discovering the person we were meant to be with, but we spend so little of our efforts on discovering the person we were meant to be.

I find that a lot of our dialogue is on other people reaching our standards or how to know if someone is right for you. Honestly, I think it’s much easier that way. It becomes about other people being good enough for us. But when was the last time that we tried to look within and become better people ourselves? What would it look like if we stopped passively waiting, looking outward for someone to come along, and in the meantime started working on our own temperament and insecurities and faults? I think you’ll find yourself with a much better chance at not only locking down that person, but also having a fruitful and amazing relationship.

Samuel Sunito is a junior majoring in business administration.  His column, “Love & Other Things,” runs every other Friday.