Writing Rainbow: Coming out is a journey, not a day

Just yesterday, millions of people celebrated National Coming Out Day on social media. In an exercise of performative wokeness, Facebook came to play by allowing users to list coming out as a life event on their timelines. But should there be a single day designated for people to come out? Probably not.

Coming out is a lifelong process that every person in the LGBTQ+ community goes through. We come out to our friends, colleagues, loved ones, family — even to strangers we meet at parties — all in varying periods in our lives. While I find it quite arbitrary and archaic, coming out is an inescapable component of the queer experience, one that has tremendously helped me in my search for identity.

While a valiant effort to celebrate the important holiday, Facebook’s decision to include this new feature also devalues the experiences that queer individuals endure their entire lives. For me at least, allowing users to include “coming out” on their respective timelines comes at a hefty cost. Encouraging users to post explicit personal information that data miners and advertisers can take advantage of diminishes the celebratory spirit that characterizes the day.

Whether that is an example of corporate social responsibility or a misuse of personal data is up for debate. However, one thing is certain: Coming out stories should neither be commodified nor disguised as a gift to a historically marginalized society.

When activists Robert Eichsberg and Jean O’Leary founded National Coming Out Day in 1988, their intention was to allow LGBTQ+ people to live their truths without fear. Thirty years later, National Coming Out Day has become much more than just a day of solidarity for the queer community. It serves as a reminder of the progress we’ve made and the need for us to continue fighting for inclusion. Most importantly, it is a commemoration of the pivotal moments that allowed us to break away from social perceptions of who we should be and finally accept who we truly are.

In the digital age, there is no question that coming out posts from friends, celebrities and other public figures have become integral to the fabric of queer culture. It is inspiring — and so incredibly brave — to see people of all ages taking to media to share their stories to a broader audience. In retrospect, I am grateful to every Facebook friend who shared their coming out story. In discovering their own voices, they helped me find mine.

Exactly two years ago, I found myself in a difficult position, grappling with whether or not I should come out to my family. My best friend Dennis made a simple post on Facebook to celebrate National Coming Out Day. After reading his blurb of less than 200 words, I came to the realization that sooner or later, I would have to be honest with my parents, who were still coping with my brother’s coming out. In his post, Dennis reinforced a notion that, while overstated, is something I and so many queer individuals forget: There are people who will always accept and love you, no matter your sexual identity.

After several failed attempts to come out to my parents (the only people I had left to tell), I finally decided to express my frustration by writing about it in my Daily Trojan column. While it was initially intended to be somewhat of a personal catharsis, “The A Game” became a public medium for me to share my personal struggles with balancing various facets of my identity. Somewhere during that process, however, I unintentionally came out to my parents when they stumbled upon what I had been penning and sharing with approximately 10,000 potential readers.

The column my parents discovered resulted in a two-month fallout between us, and left me in a deep state of depression. However, even in the midst of our quarrel, I continued to write about my experiences in real time — an emotional release that I do not regret.

In writing and sharing “The A Game,” I found support and love from friends, family and acquaintances, even from teachers who I had not spoken to in years. Over a year later, my relationship with my parents has never been better. Most of all, the incident helped me discover my own voice — my proudest accomplishment to date, which somehow began with reading people’s Facebook posts (special thanks to Dennis).

After scrolling through Instagram and Facebook posts over the course of National Coming Out Day, I found myself inspired all over again by the impact of those who shared their coming out stories. And in light of the event, I hope everyone, queer or straight, remembers the power of their own voices — and knows that they have the potential to help others find themselves.

Allen Pham is a senior majoring in public relations. He is also the editor-in-chief of the Daily Trojan. His  column, “Writing Rainbow,” runs every other Friday.