Let’s Wine Down: Forget productivity, drunken activities while sheltering-in-place are the new normal

(Ted Wint | Daily Trojan)

Are people actually lining up at Trader Joe’s for food or just buying liquor? How many days (or hours — no judgment) can the bottle of wine I’m currently drinking last me? Can Jesus turn my water into wine? If you are like me, shelter-in-place orders have made you mindlessly unproductive. Yet, I want you to know that it is time to embrace this moment. I am no longer holding myself to the productivity standards made for a non-pandemic world in the times of the coronavirus. 

Now is the perfect time to spiral down a Wikipedia search hole, especially with a glass of red wine. What used to be mundane browsing on who was the American president during “Downton Abbey” might just lead you to a life-changing discovery of inspirational quotes by Teddy Roosevelt. You might be inspired to become a keyboard detective like that lady from Netflix’s “Don’t F*ck With Cats” and go on a “journey,” or perhaps, we might be able to solve climate change after all. 

Open up a bottle of rosé and devour the Gen Z online favorite known as Zoom Bachelor. Look it up, I’m not joking. You might even be searching for love yourself or some Zoom dates in your near future. I would definitely recommend a bottle of wine for that particular occasion because at least then, if the date goes bad, you’ll still have the wine to enjoy. 

I have also recently rediscovered the time-killing, energy-draining activity that is The New York Times Sunday Crossword Puzzle (virtual, of course, as you cannot Lysol a physical newspaper, but trust me, I tried). Add a glass or two of wine to the mix, and you’ll have a whole Sunday afternoon occupied! An activity that was once only supposed to take an hour or two can last you until dinnertime. Now that is a miracle. 

If you have not attempted to write some poetry while drunk on wine, I suggest you give that a shot. Poetry makes so much more sense to me now. Whether you’re lamenting about your ex or intently focusing on the motif in the film “Brokeback Mountain,” a glass of white wine makes the experience so much more magical. It is almost as if you are among the greats of Robert Frost and Emily Dickinson. I now greatly empathize with Dickinson’s quote: “Tuesday is a deeply depressed Day.” I treat my Tuesdays as my middle of the week (Wednesdays) because my last day of classes are on Wednesdays, so it’s sort of like a Friday for me. But now every day has  turned into a stream of nothingness.

Lastly, to all my graduating Trojans out there, now is the time to start brainstorming our celebratory wine selections for our virtual graduation ceremony. Due to the outbreak, grocery delivery times will be delayed and our wine selection might not be ideal if left to the last minute. Get your wine orders in now, my friends. I am personally thinking about going with a pinot grigio for the day. Whatever my choice ends up being, I am definitely sticking to white wine because I do not plan to fall asleep for the “special” activities that USC has planned for us. 

Wherever you are reading this, I hope this column has brought some laughter and joy in your life. All jokes aside, I really want to stress the importance of finding joy even in a moment like this. I also understand that not everyone is in a situation where they have the luxury of being bored and not stressed. Whatever your situation, I hope you will join me in a toast to the blessing of being healthy and alive. 

Ted Wint is a senior writing about wine culture for the Daily Trojan. His column “Let’s Wine Down” ran every other Thursday.