What to and what not to stream this March

Reading this, it will be obvious that I’ve never created a streaming guide, much less anything themed for March. Instead of a selection consisting entirely of recommendations, take this as your opportunity to wonder what goes on in curating circles to produce some of these dumpster fires of streaming selections. But to make it worth your while, I’ll also include additions that I’m excited or curious about for this pandemic-anniversary month.

As an aside, I don’t care where they are or what I have to buy, but I’ll be marathoning the murderous “Leprechaun” slasher series in a green-food-induced haze this month, maybe stopping after “Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood.”

Netflix

This quintessential streaming service doesn’t seem to take “no, please stop” for an answer. Among a smattering of 50 original titles premiering in March though, there’s quite a range of choices from a British YA figure skating saga, to Michelle Obama making international foods with puppets to another Song Kang K-Drama. I might look out for these as well:

“Bombay Rose” — Mar. 8

This hand-painted 2D film pushes your expectations to witness the best in animation and nothing less. Gitanjali Rao focuses her story on three intertwining stories connected by a red rose: love across religions, across genders and across the boundaries of celebrity and reality. 

“Operation Varsity Blues: The College Admissions Scandal” — Mar. 17

Yeah, it’s here. This pseudo-documentary already falls short in that it was not produced by the Hallmark Channel, and is instead a recreation of the parents’ and college administrators’ illegal pursuits based off of FBI wiretaps and played by actors. It is a “Narcos” impersonation of “privilege gone wild” from the minds of Chris Smith of “Fyre” and the producers of “Tiger King” — and it will push absolutely no change forward on resolving inequities in the college admissions process. But, hey, we’re at USC! This is for us, right?

HBO Max

This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for: turn on that free HBO Max subscription since you won’t get anything else, like AirPods, from this school, throw on a gray tracksuit and queue “Gonna Fly Now,” because the Rocky series will be on HBO Max Mar. 6. It is surprisingly one of the more uplifting choices the budding streaming service has to offer, with the finale of the spine-chilling “Allen v. Farrow” and the U.S.-military approved “Godzilla vs. Kong” remake slated for later in the month. But maybe there’s still something for you:

“Speed” — Mar. 13

There’s nothing like an action movie, and there is truly nothing like a Keanu Reeves action movie. Five years before his Neo stint in “The Matrix” and three years after his radical bro role in “Point Break,” “Speed” is the zenith of Reeves’ big-man roles — centering around a bomb plot from a former bomb squad officer that involves a public bus rigged to blow if it slows to under 50 miles per hour. Driving the bus of doom is Sandra Bullock, a great addition to a film that blows stuff up just because it can. 

“Tina” — Mar. 27

Anna Mae Bullock, forced onto a worldwide exploitative stage by her abusive ex-husband Ike Turner, is known more commonly as the music legend, Tina Turner. After her split, the only thing she wanted in the divorce settlements, was that name, Tina. She lost the rights to their recordings and throughout the course of her career, even losing control over her own story. This documentary is the only documentary to be given Tina’s stamp of approval, as the non-chronological narrative reconstructs her superstardom and re-humanizes her, on her own terms. 

“Corpse Bride” — Mar. 1 

Picture this. You finally got that shipment of the white lace bustier you saw and fell in love with on Depop, you’re on a Timmy Chalamet fix and are in for a little nostalgia. The stop-motion musical paranormal film features Danny Elfman music, that terrifying scene with the knife that I refuse to rewatch to this day and can spark discourse between you and your friends on what truly is goth. 

Amazon

“Coming 2 America” — Mar. 5

I don’t have Amazon and once I am able to get off the grid and escape Jeff Bezos’ internet, it will be a day to rejoice. In the meantime, it is worth mentioning that the sequel to Eddie Murphy’s “Coming 2 America,” an idea by USC alumnus Ryan Coogler, will release the first Friday of March. The return to the kingdom of Zamunda is already worth a watch for Murphy and Arsenio Hall’s chemistry, and most of the original cast, including James Earl Jones, Shari Headley, John Amos and the white guy they were forced to put into the movie, will be returning. Joining them will be, among others, Murphy’s daughter Kiki Layne, the impetus for the sequel’s plot. 

Hulu

Hulu is that loveable mixed bag of a friend that still cautions you to not be shocked when they remove or add any number of frivolous movies and shows to their catalog. For some reason, the streaming service is on a Johnny Depp thriller movie bender this March, but there are some lucky gems to check out in the green. 

“Malcolm X”

Possibly a choice in conjunction with the release of “Judas and the Black Messiah” earlier this year, Spike Lee’s arguable magnum opus is available on Hulu after brief stints on other streaming platforms. Even if you’ve watched before, it is an interesting moment in time to watch the evolution of the portrayal of Black revolutionaries on screen — and the industry vehicles behind them. This was the first non-documentary allowed to film in the holy city of Mecca, and features excerpts of Ossie Davis’ oration of Malcolm X’s eulogy that Davis wrote and read at his funeral in 1965. Alongside Denzel Washington’s role is the sanguine Angela Bassett, whose real-life counterpart in Malcolm X’s widow Betty Shabazz gave the portrayal her thumbs up. 

“Sister Aimee” — Mar. 15

If you’re a fan of Los Angeles and its history at its best and worst, Sister Aimee is one to learn about. The film follows the unbelievably popular Pentecostal evangelist who manipulated radio and the real estate boom in L.A. in the 1920-30s to heal those who came to the city feeling lost and alone. She was a sensation in the worst of terms, drawing an incredible media presence with quotes such as “It is the Bible against ‘Mein Kempf.’ It is the Cross against the Swastika. It is God against the antichrist of Japan,” along with stunts such as faking her own kidnapping and death. With this biopic, you can revel in the influence and harm she caused that would hold footing in the city for decades after her passing.

“Young Frankenstein”

I’ve never been ashamed to say that I haven’t seen a movie, until this title was uttered casually in a conversation between me, an old flame and his sister. One of those movies that are guaranteed to give you a full belly laugh, the horror-comedy follows the grandson of Dr. Frankenstein, learning how to cope with the burden of his family name as his destiny inches closer. The late and great Gene Wilder is director Mel Brooks’ muse, the central figure in this satire of all those old black-and-white films that deal with humans, monsters and “Citizen Kane” all at once.