Learning to appreciate older siblings

Tired of hearing my parents chant “Edhita, listen to your sister — she’s older,” like any other bratty younger sibling, I often wished I was the older one. I associated being the older sibling with power, authority and privileges that I could only dare to imagine. But now, as I reflect on all the times I sulked about being younger, I wonder if I fell for the smoke screen — and perhaps, I should be more grateful that my sister looks out for me. 

I am guilty of not being the best at keeping in touch with my sister at college, maybe because I know that she is always going to be there for me. But when we both shared quality time this summer after spending nearly a year apart, poring over how our relationship has evolved from constant fights to mutual respect, I realized I shouldn’t take her for granted.

As a mama’s girl, I was often upset when my craving for my mother’s attention wasn’t satisfied. While I understand why my parents focused more on my sister at times — and my hindsight tells me I was quite the attention hog — my inner child wishes that I didn’t always have to share my parents and could have been their sole focus. 

But, perhaps, it wasn’t all that bad. While my sister got first-time parents who were overly paranoid and worried, I was blessed with experienced parents, who were more easygoing. After going through my sister’s teenage angst, my emo-rebellious phase was a piece of cake for my parents. They knew they should give me space instead of spiraling into a panic. When I left for college, having already sent my sister abroad, they knew the initial few weeks would be overwhelming, and they helped me navigate that rollercoaster.   

A lot of my battles were already fought and won by my sister. While my sister had to beg for her first phone, my parents just gifted me one for my 13th birthday; while she tiptoed around telling my parents she drank in college, my parents just advised me to drink responsibly. But some trauma cannot be avoided, like 5 a.m. physics sessions with my father or my parents showing my embarrassing childhood photos to all my friends. 

My sister and I grew up having different relationships with our parents because of this younger-older sibling dynamic. While my sister saw my parents as more policing figures, I came to see them almost as friends. Today, whether I am having a mental breakdown, desperately need to overanalyze what a friend said to me or am over the moon about how my professor complimented me, my parents are often the first people I call. I can talk to them about anything and everything, arguably because they knew how to strike a balance between strict and friendly the second time around. 

Don’t get me wrong, my sister has an annoyingly beautiful relationship with my parents. While I don’t know the specifics, I do know that we both are very grateful for the one each of us shares with our parents. 

Today, when I compare myself to my sister at the same age, I still believe she was more mature. 

Like many other older siblings, my sister had to grow up quicker because she was looking out for me.

Even though we may have different college experiences, she is always there to listen to my rants and offer advice. When I was struggling with leaving home to return to college at the end of the summer, I received multiple calls, texts and voice notes from her making sure that I was settling in just fine. Unlike her, I still enjoy the privilege of being the “kid of the family,” even as a legal adult who continues to live in this sheltered bubble where I have three strong figures to protect me. 

After grappling with looking out for myself at college, I realized how effortlessly my sister shouldered the responsibility of looking out for not only herself, but also me. I can only imagine how challenging and scary that must have been, yet she didn’t hesitate, which has led to a newfound appreciation for her role in my life. 

Keeping in touch with those who aren’t physically present with you is difficult, especially when time differences are involved. But, trust me when I say this, keeping in touch with your siblings is so worth it. While I would never admit this to my sister — and I really hope she isn’t reading this — I am grateful to her for letting me be a kid a bit longer.