Exploring the link between Catholic guilt and people-pleasing
As a Catholic, I’ve noticed my faith’s perpetuation of a toxic self-sacrifice culture.
As a Catholic, I’ve noticed my faith’s perpetuation of a toxic self-sacrifice culture.
What does it mean to be a good person? How can we go through life consistently following our moral compass, putting forth the most good and the least harm as possible? For many, religious principles offer a guide to answer these questions. But is there a chance that it’s being taken too far? While my own Catholic faith has been a largely beneficial influence in my life, there are also notable ties between the actions I consider moral and a relentless habit of people-pleasing.
I have found it difficult to measure my own goodness if not in the eyes of those around me. I have found it near impossible to feel okay about myself if I am also letting people down.
Catholic or Christian guilt has been long documented as a side-effect of Christianity and is what St. Ignatius once described as “making … sin where there is not sin.”
“It’s one of those things where if you are a conscientious person, and especially if you’ve grown up in the church … that is something you probably go through,” said Ella Cerling, a graduate student of faith studying language sciences.
For some people of faith, this guilt may manifest itself as feeling the need to frequently apologize for sins (whether real or imagined). This guilt is also often associated with feelings of shame surrounding sexuality and its expression, as purity culture is strongly associated with Catholicism. These ideas are especially burdensome toward women, whose sexuality has traditionally been condemned, and toward members of the LGBTQIA+ community, who have historically been excluded from the Church.
This perpetual feeling of falling short is also exacerbated by the celebration of extreme sacrifice. Jesus forgave his executors as they were killing him; countless saints lived lives of extreme suffering only to be revered posthumously. Must I live a life of pain and sacrifice so as to be considered good? Certainly there must be a way to draw healthy boundaries for oneself — to reconcile the way God wants me to live with the way I want to live.
I would venture further to say this discussion must also be a gendered one, as institutions of religion are not immune to values of patriarchy. Catholic guilt operates most ardently against women as a direct result of this design.
In our conversation, Sheila Briggs, an associate professor of religion and gender studies told me that “our women have been socialized into feeling shame … They were to blame, it was the Eve phenomena.”
This is the notion that original sin stems from Eve and that, as a result, the expectation of women to make sacrifices was always greater than that of men.
It is important that we recognize the ways in which even positive ideas have been manipulated to make women feel bad or guilty. We deserve room, especially in our faith, to be imperfect. When I asked others how we might move forward through these feelings of guilt or an incessant need to please, I was granted some words of advice.
Briggs said that young people should take some time to really “think about [their] values” and remember that their relationships are not solely what defines them.
Cerling encouraged those dealing with this internal struggle to honor themselves and their limits so as to honor their Lord. It is okay, she said, to sometimes be “selfish” or to put oneself first.
Ultimately, I believe it is possible to act in accordance with self-love and love of others simultaneously. By loving and respecting yourself first, you are not performing a mortal sin, but, in fact, honoring the very person you were meant to be. While I will continue to try to do good by others, I must also remember to do good by myself. After all, such an act does not defy my faith, but rather positively reinforces it.
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