My mother’s sense of humor is how I’m going to invite you to our next topic on “Public Disclosure” — the institution of marriage. You see, in the balmy Californian summer of 1999, the future Mrs. Tania Haddad had a surprise in store for my dad, who through marrying him was about to become a citizen of the United States. Knowing that her newfound American status just happened to be a plus to an already loving relationship with my dad, she decided to have Green Card Husband engraved on the inside of his wedding band. The “permanent prank” was kept secret until they were up at the altar — and, from what I’m told, it prompted tons of laughter in the church.

In that spirit, let’s take a look at some of the several ways getting married in the U.S. can change your legal status — and how it might be one of the most important investments you’ll ever make.

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Disclaimer: This is not legal advice to take the nearest fellow 20-year-old with commitment issues to head to city hall with you, nor can you blame me when that inevitably ends with you enrolling in counseling. Minus the holy matrimony, I speak from personal experience.

Tax returns

Becoming legally married unlocks a trove of tax benefits that are generally less available to those who are single, some of which can improve if you have children, too. One great example of this is the earned income tax credit, a tax program aimed for those who make within a low-to-moderate income threshold to subtract a certain amount from what they’ll owe the government every tax year — $56,838 for individuals and $63,698 for married couples filing jointly for Tax Year 2023.

Once qualifying for the EITC, a married couple filing jointly can also collect up to several thousands of dollars more in the raw benefits/credits/“breaks” than their single counterparts; even without bringing children into the equation, which can substantially increase the benefits, you can earn up to $24,210 when you’re married filing jointly, and just $17,640 if you’re single.

Next of kin and inheritance

This one is quite literally life and death; when you become legally married, you become your spouse’s next of kin, a distinction that makes you one of their closest living relatives and establishes that you may receive a part, or even the majority, of their estate upon their death. This relationship, along with children, parents and siblings, might see you inherit property under their name, be the person deciding whether they should receive extraordinary measures and procedures in the hospital, collect money from their life insurance policy or even inherit retirement plan assets.

I say “might” because these responsibilities can be dramatically changed if your spouse has a “legally and properly executed” will, or if you end up divorcing and have a postnuptial agreement that has you forfeit those rights. For example, if I ever get married, I’ll probably stipulate in my will that my husband, whoever that poor bastard is, can’t donate some of my organs. Hopefully, he’s a good enough guy that he wouldn’t let some stranger just have my skin like that if I asked, but it’s always good to have it in writing.

Coming to America

Just like my parents, the spouse of a U.S. citizen can become a naturalized one themselves — but there are more than a few federal-level policies to comply with. The process can start as early as when they become your fiance, and is at minimum six years’ long total.

“The spouse must have continuously resided in the United States after becoming a lawful permanent resident for at least 3 years immediately preceding the date of filing the naturalization application and must have lived in marital union with his or her citizen spouse for at least those 3 years,” according to a policy manual from the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, the federal department with the powers over processing all kinds of immigration applications.

Apart from that time commitment and several others, your spouse will also have to know and be tested on ordinary English language skills, as well as American history and government. So, for the sake of being an active member of our informed electorate, know the difference between “their, there and they’re,” as well as the good stuff like how many people sit in the U.S. House of Representatives before your fantastic, formerly-Icelandic bride-to-be has to tell you it’s 435 between her flashcards.

Bottom line: While you can’t predict the future, do your best to marry someone you’d trust with your life, liberty, country and property — in the eyes of the law, the two of you are going to be molded pretty tight. Mazel tov in advance!

CJ Haddad is a junior writing about local, state and federal laws we use in our daily lives. She is also an associate managing editor at the Daily Trojan. Her column, “Public Disclosure,” runs every other Thursday.