Content warning: This article contains mentions of sexual harassment and assault.

As I headed home this holiday season, I couldn’t stop thinking about how my last Christmas ended: with me in tears after an argument with a family friend who believes that women should just “take the compliment” when facing sexual harassment.

The conversation began with me and his daughter commiserating over the almost universal experience of having creepy Lyft drivers, and it quickly spiraled out of control. When I told the story of a Lyft driver who told me that I was a pretty girl who would become a beautiful young woman — subsequently leaving me extremely uncomfortable and ready to get out of the car as soon as possible — his response was simply, “Why do women suddenly feel they have the right to call any man giving a compliment a sexual predator?”

Immediately, I tried to explain how discomforting these comments can be, especially from strangers who have complete control of the situation. Not only is a rideshare a professional environment for drivers and therefore an inappropriate one for those comments, but the driver also has complete control over that environment — their own car.

The bottom line is that these comments are unsolicited, and what one person may think is a kindness often leaves the other on edge, feeling objectified and unsafe until they can get their “complimenter” out of sight.

Since my neighbor struggled to come up with a coherent response other than, “He was just giving you a compliment,” he prodded me for reasons why such a statement — and other common catcalling and casual harassment — make me uncomfortable at all. I was taken aback because I was very publicly an advocate for survivors of sexual assault and harassment and a survivor myself — not to mention the sheer ridiculousness of the question. 

I should not have to explain that I want to be able to walk down the street without someone shouting at me, no matter what they are saying. And because what they say is usually sexual or at least appearance-based, catcalling is a constant reminder that people are always objectifying my body. It is a reminder that no matter what I wear, no matter where I am, there will always be men who see me as prey.

This still didn’t convince him, and our back and forth continued until I was in tears, unable to get through to him at all. Eventually, I had to tell him to shut up and embrace the Christmas spirit of not making his host and neighbor of 20 years cry. 

While this experience was likely partly informed by our generational divide, it’s not the first conversation I’ve had with a male acquaintance in which I had to explain why unsolicited romantic or sexual advances make many people so uncomfortable. One particularly romantically unsuccessful friend went as far as to say that he would love being catcalled on the street and that I should appreciate that I get to have people telling me how beautiful I am every day.

After a long conversation — that once again, left me in tears of frustration — he finally conceded with a meek apology. I explained how triggering catcalls can be for survivors of sexual assault; I already live in a state of constant anxiety, especially around strangers, so a man yelling “compliments” at me on my way to school immediately makes me violently uncomfortable.

Of course, I love receiving genuine compliments — but at the right time and place, and not from strangers who give them with sexual undertones. Even if a comment means no offense, or is intended as a compliment, it might leave the other person wondering if whoever just yelled at them will follow them home or escalate their verbal behavior to physical assault.

Just yesterday, on our first day back to school, the Department of Public Safety sent out a “Timely Warning Crime Alert” reporting that a student on the Row was followed by a man for two blocks before he “slapped the victim’s buttocks.” While the DPS report did not specify if the victim also experienced verbal harassment, they were followed for two blocks prior to the assault, and catcalling is often followed by violence, especially when it is ignored.

In 2019, a student at the University of Illinois Chicago was murdered after she didn’t respond to a catcaller who proceeded to follow her to her car. Peoples’ fear of violence when faced with catcalls is founded in real experiences, and regardless, verbal harassment is degrading, violating and illegal in many states, including California.

So the next time someone confides in you about an experience of harassment that made them uncomfortable, don’t question it: The fact that it made them uncomfortable should be enough of an indicator that the behavior is not acceptable.

And before you catcall someone on the street, comment on your coworkers’ appearances or tell a stranger in the grocery store how good they look in those jeans, just shut up and embrace the spirit of being a decent human by keeping your thoughts — and your hands — to yourself.