Content warning: This article contains the use of slurs. 

While audiences have long lauded the Coen brothers for their ability to infuse comedy into their cross-genre directorial adventures, Ethan Coen certainly didn’t bring that same magic into his long-anticipated solo project, “Drive-Away Dolls,” which premiered Friday. 

In terms of meaningful sapphic representation, “Drive-Away Dolls” is everything one would expect from a lesbian road comedy spearheaded by a heterosexual man. Full of raunchy dialogue, over-the-top sex scenes, dimly lit bars and booze, Margaret Qualley and Geraldine Viswanathan make the queer feminine experience out to be nothing more than one-night stands, alcoholism and an obsession with the phallic. 

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Qualley, who plays Jamie in the film, adopts a Texas twang to become the foul-mouthed lesbian protagonist who can’t keep her sexual appetite in her pants. Viswanathan, on the other hand, plays Marian, an uptight office worker who’s an avid reader, and, in myriad ways, Jamie’s opposite. Above all, Coen’s ploy to smash Jamie and Marian together romantically in an “opposites attract” situation is all too obvious from the start.

While there is a good lesbian U-Hauling joke to be had with Jamie and Marian’s plans to get married in Massachusetts at the film’s conclusion, there wasn’t enough relationship development onscreen that convincingly invites in the possibility of marriage. Perhaps the point is to poke fun at lesbians who live up to stereotypes, but the energy that the duo gave as their romance unfurled was nothing more than friends with benefits. 

Although the film is set in 1999, there was not much effort put into immersing the audience into the late ’90s. Admittedly, the costume design is one of the easiest things to enjoy about the film. However, if anything, it seems the film is only set in ’99 because modern technology wouldn’t have allowed the girls to enjoy a leisurely road trip en route to their Tallahassee delivery — today, the car transporting “the goods” would have been tracked down by The Chief (Colman Domingo) in mere hours. 

While the increased amount of LGBTQIA+ representation in film recently has been nothing short of incredible, let’s face it — “Drive-Away Dolls” can’t hold a candle to Emma Seligman’s “Bottoms” (2023). Perhaps Seligman’s sapphic representation resonated with her audience so much more because she has lived experience as a queer woman, whereas Coen does not. Even the comedic elements of “Bottoms” gave some good belly laughs, though, and conversely “Drive-Away Dolls” elicited a few awkward giggles at best. 

The number of sex jokes cracked in this movie will transport audiences back to the middle school locker room, minus the AXE body spray. There really isn’t much depth in the dialogue, which ultimately results in a film that doesn’t need to be watched twice to catch any hidden meanings or signs of directorial genius.

An actor who could have benefited from more screen time was Beanie Feldstein, who had her 15 minutes of fame as Sukie, a spunky cop who is also Jamie’s ex-girlfriend. Feldstein is great at making a spectacle of herself onscreen; in “Drive-Away Dolls” she rocks chunky highlights and a bob while sobbing as she unscrews a glittery dildo from her apartment wall. If Coen truly wanted to subvert the road comedy genre, the least he could’ve done was fully lean into this level of outrageousness throughout the movie, à la Seligman. 

That being said, this film also had some questionable editing choices.     

The acid-trip-like psychedelic edit scenes randomly inserted throughout the film are bizarre and add nothing to really forward the plot besides pizza ingredients and Democratic Party donkeys that dance together across the silver screen while Funkadelic’s “Maggot Brain” blares in the background. Don’t bother having an edible before hitting the theaters for this movie, because Coen’s already tried to simulate the high! 

For a film that earned its R rating because of the amount of pornographic content featured as well as a plot that practically revolves around dildos, “Drive-Away Dolls” certainly felt like a project brought to fruition not necessarily for queer audiences but for those who would enjoy watching women make out and have a “Titanic” (1997)-esque shower shag. 

However, it would be remiss to exclude the fact that “Drive-Away Dolls” does have a great soundtrack. Full of throwback tracks like Linda Ronstadt’s “Blue Bayou” and “Long, Long Time” as well as Le Tigre’s “Eau D’Bedroom Dancing,” the undeniably groovy music picks help the plot slide along. 

As the credits close and the audience is left with big graffiti letters that read “Drive-Away Dykes,”  which was the original working title of the film, it’s clear that the only thing Ethan Coen “pussy promised” was 84 minutes of lesbian disappointment.