Recently, a TikTok video in which a woman asks why she, as a straight woman, couldn’t invite a straight man into a lesbian bar, went mega-viral. This video then became the centerpiece of a discussion on whom queer spaces are meant for and how to be respectful when visiting them.  

While there is no hard and fast rule about who is and is not allowed in queer spaces, there are definitely unspoken rules about how to conduct yourself in those spaces. LGBTQIA+ people create queer spaces so they can have a place to freely express their identities and meet other people in the community to feel supported. 

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LGBTQIA+ spaces were at first some of the only places where gender-nonconforming, transgender and the other most visible members of our community could find a safe place to be themselves. During the 1960s, when gender codes were in full swing, places like The Stonewall Inn and The Black Cat Tavern became some of the few places where people assigned female at birth could wear suits and people assigned male at birth could wear dresses, skirts and makeup. 

At a time when LGBTQIA+ people were very persecuted, these sanctuaries became places where queer people could find community and organize to fight for their rights. Nowadays, LGBTQIA+ spaces serve the same purpose — especially in the wake of recent legal attacks on LGBTQIA+ rights and the rise in hate crimes against LGBTQIA+ individuals. 

So, what are the rules to know when entering a queer space as a non-queer person? The first and only real rule is just to be respectful of the people around you. Queer spaces are often the only places where people feel free to be truly themselves, and if they feel judged or gawked at by an outsider, that sense of safety is taken away. 

Another thing to keep in mind when visiting queer spaces is your own identity and how your being there affects the people around you. If you are a cisgender heterosexual — and especially if you’re white — you have a certain level of privilege that LGBTQIA+ people do not possess. One of the privileges you do have is the ability to feel safe and accepted at non-LGBTQIA+ bars.

Most LGBTQIA+ people, or at least those that I have spoken to, do not feel entirely safe or accepted when visiting “straight” bars. At straight bars, queer people are often ostracized or harassed because of the way that they look. They also experience an increased risk of violence when hitting on people of the same gender, as some (bigoted) people may lash out in disgust. Given that there are significantly fewer gay bars than straight bars, it is important as a non-queer person to acknowledge the space you are taking up. 

As a straight person, you have most other spaces open to you in society: You already have bars, clubs, coffee shops, Greek organizations, sports teams and more in which you don’t face fear of persecution for your sexuality or gender identity. But queer people have historically and still continue to be systemically kept out of these spaces. 

So, while you may feel less on-edge entering a gay club for a girls’ night out, you do make that space inherently less safe for the queer people there. When outsiders enter those spaces without appropriately considering their presence there, it makes queer people feel anxious, as if one small mistake could lead to judgment or even worse, persecution, for their expression of their queerness.

One of the best things that you can ask yourself before going into a queer space is, “Why do I feel the need to be in this specific place?” 

There may be a lot of different answers, from wanting to enjoy a drag show to an invitation from a queer friend to be there for moral support. Both of these are great reasons to visit queer spaces, but keep in mind that you are a visitor in these spaces, not a member of the community, and should act accordingly. 

If you acknowledge that queer spaces are not meant to cater or make sense to you, you can respectfully enter queer spaces. If you are invited into a queer space by your queer friend, you can, of course, enter the queer space as a trusted friend of the queer person. I, and I think most of us, would just ask that you don’t make it a habit: It makes it harder to form community, feel comfortable in expressing our queerness and create a safe space when there are non-LGBTQIA+ people in specifically queer community spaces.

Peyton Dacy is a sophomore writing about the struggles queer people face on college campuses and beyond. His column, “Lavender Letters,” runs every other Tuesday.