When my best friend and I both got into college, we were more than ecstatic to finally see our hard work pay off. The summer before freshman year, we were spending endless quality time, eagerly discussing our hopes and expectations for college and reminiscing about fun high school and middle school memories. Days and hours with her felt like minutes; I could spend eternity with her and it would still feel like an inadequate amount of time. 

As months turned into weeks, and weeks turned into days, the time to part ways finally came. When I dropped her off, I remember she told me, “See you during fall break!” instead of our usual “See you later!”

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As expected, I sat there blubbering and sobbing.

Once we both moved in and were adjusting to college life, I found that we would text less frequently and that I was no longer one of the first people to hear about her big life updates. She became busy, I became busy; our friendship was changing. 

Once the chaos of the first month of freshman year died down, I was scrolling through Instagram and came across her recent posts with new friends and social groups. I found myself feeling lonely and empty, my stomach bubbling with a mixture of guilt, pride, insecurity and curiosity. Most notably, I found myself getting anxious and worried that I was no longer her best friend anymore: I was experiencing friend jealousy.

“Although you have an established relationship with your friend, the introduction of a ‘new’ person becomes a perceived threat [and] as unrealistic as that may seem, our brains love to play tricks on us and keep us on guard,” Amanda Lambros, a relationship therapist, told Refinery29. “You may be spending less time with your friend, and so your mind creates a narrative and simply fills in the gaps with its own story, typically based around any of your insecurities.” 

Friend jealousy usually stems from anxious attachment, an attachment style often based on a fear of abandonment and lack of security and confidence in relationships. Friend jealousy externalizes those insecurities and can sometimes manifest into clinginess and possessiveness over certain friendships. 

Many college students, especially those who split ways with their friends, experience this phenomenon. These feelings are exacerbated by the transitional nature of college life, where individuals may face new environments, relationships and uncertainties. The fear of losing established connections can intensify, leading to heightened friend jealousy. 

The competitive nature of academic and social settings in college can also contribute to friend jealousy. Students may feel pressure to form new bonds quickly, and the fear of being left behind or replaced can trigger feelings of inadequacy. The desire for validation and social acceptance becomes intertwined with the fear of losing existing friendships.

Social media plays a significant role in exacerbating friend jealousy among college students. Constant exposure to peers’ activities and interactions of peers can lead to comparisons and unrealistic expectations. Seeing friends engaging with new acquaintances or forming closer bonds with others can intensify feelings of insecurity, triggering friend jealousy.

My anxious attachment style with my best friend got the best of me and without me realizing it, I lost sight of the genuine connection of our friendship. The initial comfort and support I sought transformed into a constant struggle to meet unspoken and internalized expectations, leaving me feeling exhausted and emotionally drained.

Recognizing the negative impact of my anxious attachment style became a crucial turning point. I realized that fostering healthy relationships required embracing vulnerability, acknowledging my own needs and communicating openly about my emotions. Breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing allowed me to rediscover the value of genuine connections, where acceptance was based on authenticity rather than conformity.

Through self-reflection and a commitment to personal growth through therapy, I began the process of creating a more secure attachment style. This involved developing a deeper understanding of my own emotions, building self-confidence and learning to set healthy boundaries. As I evolved, so did my friendships, transforming into fulfilling connections where mutual respect and understanding flourished.

My best friend is the person I hold dearest to my heart. But being a good friend doesn’t mean holding them back to do every little thing together; it means growing alongside each other and being a non-invasive support system.