“I no longer have the capacity to support your needs. I’m cutting this off because it no longer serves me, and I have no obligation to offer you an explanation.”

Surprise — this isn’t a Slack message from HR, it’s your next friendship breakup text. If you, too, have been affected by corporate-esque, clinical-reading messages in your life, I have an explanation: the misuse of “therapy speak.” 

Daily headlines, sent straight to your inbox.

Subscribe to our newsletter to keep up with the latest at and around USC.

With the proliferation of licensed therapists making social media content — such as Jeff Guenther, also known as @therapyjeff on TikTok — therapy concepts like self-care, boundary-setting and trauma dumping are becoming increasingly accessible online. Promoting the prioritization and destigmatization of mental health is so important; however, these terms have become increasingly taken out of context and misinterpreted in daily life. 

Online therapy videos and terms can be used as a guide or jumping-off point to think more deeply and introspectively about your relationships, but they shouldn’t be used as a script or blueprint for life. 

“Therapy speak” content on social media is often much too generalized to be able to be applied genuinely, according to Jonathan Shedler, a psychologist and clinical professor at UC San Francisco. 

“One way we distance ourselves is through words,” Shedler told The Guardian. “What we’ve got now is this kind of pop-psychology language of cliches, abstract concepts and turns of phrase that are so different from speaking from the heart.”

One of the biggest offenders is the concept of setting boundaries. Now, I am a huge advocate for boundary-setting in all aspects of life, including school, work and relationships. 

Knowing what you aren’t comfortable with and communicating that to others is essential in life. But being completely unwilling to even consider another person’s needs when communicating your boundaries can be detrimental to building lasting, meaningful relationships. People are fluid and ever-changing, so approaching relationships with rigid inflexibility can shut down the possibility of growth. 

Darby Saxbe, a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at USC, told Bustle that “therapy speak” can legitimize giving someone or a friendship a “diagnostic label.”

“There’s an extent to which defining a lot of boundaries and being very quick to abandon relationships that aren’t optimal actually sets people up to be a lot more isolated and lonely,” Saxbe said.

Hyperfixating on misinterpreted therapy concepts can actually worsen loneliness and decrease empathy for others. When looking at patterns in online “therapy speak,” there’s also an emphasis on “self-care” and “prioritizing yourself.” While it’s incredibly important to make sure you’re not neglecting yourself and are in touch with your needs and emotions, I take issue with the “you don’t owe anyone anything” mindset. 

I’ve heard this phrase being used to justify ghosting or flaking on a friend or partner — “I don’t owe them an explanation for cutting them off, I’m just prioritizing my needs,” or “I’m canceling on my friend five minutes before our meeting because that’s self-care.”

But I beg to differ. Actually, we do owe each other something: respect, empathy and compassion. 

With the exception of situations that are unsafe, cutting someone off with zero explanation is simply unkind. Relationships are always a two-way street, but focusing on your needs because “you don’t owe them anything” fails to consider how the other person may feel or react. 

This individualistic mindset can bleed into relationships when you’re not willing to listen to a friend’s or partner’s emotional struggles. I get it. Sometimes, you don’t have the emotional capacity to help, especially when you’re also going through tough times — and that’s normal. But in a healthy friendship, you should still approach your partner with compassion and gentle communication about what you’re ready to handle. 

Instead of misusing terms often used by therapists, let’s move toward treating human interaction and relationships with empathy. Let’s shift our thinking from what we “owe” other people to what is most healthy for you and the people in your life.