Iris Apfel, a New York design and fashion legend, passed away on March 1 at age 102. Gaining major public recognition with the wave of social media in her 90s for her brightly colored, mixed patterned and bejeweled outfits, Apfel was a style icon in the most true, original sense of the title.

She stuck to herself and believed in herself, but most importantly, she found the freedom that comes with developing your personal style. In a 2022 interview with W Magazine, Apfel said it is up to the public to figure out what her style is, not necessarily up to her to tell us. 

“Being stylish and being fashionable are two entirely different things,” Apfel said. “You can easily buy your way into being fashionable, [but] style, I think, is in your DNA.” 

It’s a common sentiment about the difference between being fashionable and having style. Part of it falls to the verb that is correlated with fashion as opposed to style: to be fashionable is to be on trend, actively participating. But to have style is to possess something, not necessarily join in on a fad. 

It’s hard to find your personal style at any age with how much we change and grow. Although we have grown accustomed to deciding on our outfits since becoming conscious, it has become a task rather than a brain teaser. Part of it, of course, comes down to parting ways from turquoise and black polka dot tights and purple “Dora the Explorer” dresses at the age of six to finding a business casual outfit for my midterm presentation.

As life goes on, planning outfits becomes something we do in advance until we have a set catalog in our head that has been born from repetition and the thought, “Well, that works, I guess” when running late. And, as we begin to transition our wardrobes to consider work-appropriate clothing rather than just saying, “This is cute, I like this and now I will buy it,” the creative process and liberation that can come from finding our style takes a backseat. 

It’s something I’ve been fearing, too, because I’ve seen myself begin to lose the love I have for choosing my outfit for the day. Instead, it’s another source of stress. Maybe it is the curse of too many choices, something I know I am privileged to say, but another theory I have is that current trends are, dare I say, a little boring. 

Bows galore consisted of baby pink and lace bows but had the same color palette as the (now dying) “clean girl” trend: neutral, cool tones. The “mob wife” aesthetic is more exciting, but it’s still quite constricting: animal print fur jacket, black mini dresses, red lips and messy hair. 

It reminds me of an article I read in System. In a conversation between makeup artist Isamaya Ffrench and visual artist Jordan Wolfson, they discuss the idea that “most beauty doesn’t have a lot of depth, whereas grotesque and ugly things really do.” Ffrench expands on this, claiming that especially in the beauty industry, there is a lot of ease in making “things striking and extreme,” but the area of exploration and complex layering comes with her approach of “anti-beauty.” 

Wolfson agrees, stating that beauty isn’t a threshold or a qualification, but rather a feeling and a balanced energy — someone who is aware of their own beauty and is a “narcissist,” but in a self-accepting, charismatic and laughable way. 

So then, what is the key to finding our own style in the way that Apfel did? How do we find a style that is so inherently “us” that it is unexplainable, but without a need for any elaboration — something so distinct that amid the other distinct and influential styles, still uniquely represents you? 

I think a lot of it is trial and error. We have to follow trends, see what we retain and let go, and we have to make mistakes. Whether it’s wearing the wrong heels on a long day out or looking back and asking yourself, “What was I thinking?” Lily Collins’ TikTok interview with Gollance Moda on her own style sums this growth up perfectly: “I’ve learned if an outfit is wearing you, it’s not the outfit you should be wearing. That’s a hard one to learn when you’re younger because … I always wanted to be on trend,” Collins said.

As such, when trying to put our own spin on the current trend, sometimes it doesn’t work out the way we think it will. To get better at anything, you must be a little bad at it first. With any learning curve of something so distinct and finicky as style, there has to be a love for the process and the outcomes — as ugly as they may be.

But, in terms of style, there also has to be a love and understanding as to what fashion is. Fashion is not clothes or hope or art or business. Fashion is love and reference, nods of appreciation and a peek behind iron curtains of what is yet to come. 

It is something as innocent as Chemena Kamali, the newest creative director of Chloé, taking her first walk after debuting her first collection, only to be met halfway on the runway by her son running up to her and giving her a big hug. It is Georgina Rodríguez, wife of Cristiano Ronaldo, wearing a dress inspired by his Manchester United uniform at the Vetements show, with a simple handwritten note on the back saying, “For the love of my life Gio x Vetements.” 

We are in the middle section of the Venn diagram of fashion, where you create and style, where you curate. That overlapping section of exploration and gray area — in all the positive interpretations of the phrase — is exactly where the magic happens. And the sooner we realize that we are more than fashion and style, our physical manifestation of our personalities, morals and life stories will appear brighter than ever. 

I’ve always said that our clothes are a representation of us, but we still have to choose that representation in the first place. A Vanity Fair article on Apfel begins with the following lyrics, but I believe they finish this off perfectly: “You’ve either got or you haven’t got style / If you got it, you stand out a mile.” 

Hadyn Phillips is a junior writing about fashion in the 21st century, specifically spotlighting new trends and popular controversy. Her column, “That’s Fashion, Sweetie,” runs every Wednesday.