“You don’t owe them anything!” This is advice I’ve frequently received lately, and admittedly, advice I have given. But when does such rhetoric encourage harmful rather than protective behavior? Where do we draw the line between caring for ourselves and caring for others? 

Whether it be in terms of time, energy or affection, there seems to be an overwhelming emphasis on this notion that you need only answer to yourself. While I don’t mean to argue that such an idea is never appropriate, I do think its prevalence can lead to a distinctly individualized, self-centered culture. 

It is essential that we consider the needs of those around us. We must care about others. We can do so in a way that doesn’t lead to giving too much of ourselves. Such a practice has the potential to actually improve our own quality of life.

Daily headlines, sent straight to your inbox.

Subscribe to our newsletter to keep up with the latest at and around USC.

I will first concede that there is a necessary time and place for the advice I’m about to criticize. As a woman, and perhaps also as a habitual people pleaser, I understand the merit that lies in putting yourself first. 

You never, under any circumstances, have to prioritize another person’s feelings over your own, especially if doing so makes you feel uncomfortable, unsafe or taken advantage of. What I want to emphasize, however, is the fact that you can protect this peace while also serving others. Kindness need not be synonymous with self-sacrifice. And even when it is, self-sacrifice is not exclusively negative. 

Many might ask, “But what if someone isn’t willing to do the same for me?” My answer is “So what?” Wouldn’t you want to be the type of person who acts with kindness in spite of any reciprocation?  Even in the absence of karma and goodness, which always finds its way back to you (which I ardently believe in), one’s self-esteem can prosper with the knowledge that you are willing to do for others what you hope they would do for you.  

You may not “owe” anyone anything, but there is much to gain in giving generously. There is so much to gain from acting with kindness and consideration even if you cannot expect anything in return. 

Something I think about a lot in this vein is the airport. Driving a loved one to the airport or picking them up may seem like a small gesture (I mean, depending on your feelings about LAX), but it’s something I always try to do if given the chance. Showing someone you love that you love them is always worth it, even if it’s inconvenient, even if it isn’t necessary. 

This consideration I implore you to practice also extends far beyond favors or merely helping a loved one. You can also practice serving others and not just yourself by communicating clearly. Let’s say you’re running late to a friend’s party — let them know ahead of time! 

Let’s say you’re invited to something you really don’t want to attend; graciously turn down the offer, don’t merely ignore it or leave it open-ended. Or let’s say you go on a date with someone you realize you don’t have any romantic feelings for. 

Instead of ghosting them, or stringing them along, be honest with them. Show them the mercy of communication. It’s not something you have to do, but it’s something you can and should do. A small gesture can go a long way. Have empathy. Imagine yourself in someone else’s shoes. 

It is surprisingly easy to be honest and sincere. We complicate it with the idea that we should be preoccupied with what we “owe.” Even when no one is paying attention, it pays to be kind. It’s rewarding to think of others before you think of yourself. Furthermore, such a practice does not have to detract from self-love or care. 

I don’t know what we owe each other, but I do know what every human being hopes they deserve. I urge you to live life as if basic compassion and respect are owed to all you encounter. I know it’s not required. But how can we ever expect this in return if we aren’t willing to offer it ourselves?