As I close out my undergraduate years, I have noticed that I’ve become the big kid on campus. I remember being freshly 18 and meeting seniors and thinking “God, they’re so old and wise.” But now I’m the senior, and at the ripe age of 21, I am feeling neither old nor wise. 

There is this strange and unsettling moment that hits when you become a college senior that seemingly everyone kept a secret, dancing on the line of feeling too young and too old all at once. One minute, I’m the seasoned vet giving freshmen advice on the best sophomore-year dorm, and the next minute, I’m Googling what the hell a Roth IRA is.

I feel like a professional 21-year-old at USC — a professional late-night studier, budget meal maker and study spot finder. But this professionalism stops and ends at the gates of USC. The truth is outside of college and in the working world, I am a grade-A amateur — an amateur at perfecting corporate casual wear, meeting deadlines and writing “circling back” emails.

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This fear of the inevitable 180 swap from late-night study sessions to early-morning coffee runs before the 9-5 is fueled by the looming pressure to complete the invisible college bingo card. Suddenly, you have to be at every one of The 901 Bar & Grill’s Wednesdays and tailgates or else you’re wasting your undergraduate glory days. 

USC can feel like a bubble when it comes to age, making 21 feel almost ancient and like we need to have it all together by the time we walk the stage, but this just isn’t fair. A college campus is one of those very few places where everyone around you is working toward the same goal of graduating. We spend hours applying to clubs and scholarships within the world of USC, and it would be unfair to say we have had the ability to focus on who we will become postgrad.

I have spent the last four years building my identity at USC. From my friends to my favorite food spots to the best patch of grass to lie in — I have been nothing but a Trojan. But now, as I set up an appointment for my senior headshot, it feels like I have to let that all go and sign a 360 deal with a cubicle. 

Preparing myself for watercooler talk, Excel sheets and seeking out new hobbies postgrad is scarily overwhelming. I don’t even know where to start, which makes figuring out where to end even scarier.

At least for me, the final stretch of college is a constant reminder that while, yes, this may have been my last Halloweekend or my last USC versus UCLA game day, none of these things are disappearing. Next year, Halloween will still come and USC will still face off with the Bruins. The only difference is I will have my diploma in hand, and perhaps instead of a frat party, my friends and I will all switch over to a bar. I’m not letting go of anything, just changing how I experience it.

At the end of it all, it’s not about feeling too young or too old, but more so about owning the space you’re in. I may be elderly on campus and newborn in the workplace, but really this is all just a mindset. My campus knowledge makes me feel comfortable, but on the other hand, my newbie presence in the workplace makes me eager and advantaged in bringing a fresh perspective. 

While I’m still learning about all this adult stuff, one thing remains true — life is not just a jump from young to old. It’s more of a squiggly line progression that loops and loops. No one is expecting you to go from an expert college student to an expert in the workplace. It takes time to excel in new fields. 

As you get older and become the scary put-together adult you used to look up to, find comfort in the fact that we’re all just humans living life for the first time together. We all feel too young to make a difference and too old to be making mistakes, yet here we are seemingly doing both.