I’m not sure what it is about being a senior, but suddenly it feels like spring semester is my last chance to be bold. Oddly, I felt this same sense of urgency in high school, only using my senior spring to experiment with my style. Disappointingly, I faltered on my promise to continue dressing up for class in college, stopping when it got colder three months in and soon after falling back on convenience as I ran — or scootered — between Galen Center, classes and meetings.

Still, dwelling on my self-consciousness wasn’t going to solve my desire to be more creative. So, after a reflective winter break debrief with my roommate, I decided this was the semester to go all in — not just physically with getting dressed, but also mentally with believing in my garments. I pondered the entire desire of getting ready and the challenge of styling clothes I hadn’t been sure on how to style in the first place.

So far, I’ve worn long shorts with a double waistband, a snaking necklace I have to shape myself and to my surprise, only heels this entire week. Technically, I wore sneakers and my Uggs to ballet, but in my defense, I use the walk to campus as a warmup before I stretch out before class.

Daily headlines, sent straight to your inbox.

Subscribe to our newsletter to keep up with the latest at and around USC.

While the shoes have included a Mary Jane-style Tabi heel and thrifted pony hair Manolo Blahnik’s, there were a few moments in which I almost changed my outfit before leaving. It felt jarring, wanting to be more creative but not feeling secure enough to do so, despite USC being a very accepting campus.

Beyond feeling nervous that I would disappear in the wave of students walking around (not that I still didn’t, as the heels only boosted me to a totally, super scary towering 5’4”), it made me feel unsure about everything to do with me: how my voice sounded, the few strands of wavy hair I didn’t dry correctly, why my makeup wasn’t “makeup-ing” and even how I should drape my sweater over my bag.

As my heels click-clacked down the hallway, I began to feel that the longer I walked and the more steps I took, I was only getting louder. It was funny to feel so shy about it, as I loved the sound when I was younger. I felt it announced me as I was about to walk into a room or provided an air of mystery to those in the rooms surrounding my final destination, but now, it felt obnoxious — like I was begging for someone to acknowledge me.

It felt betraying to even articulate these feelings, as growing up a third-culture kid meant I found comfort in standing out. I’ve learned to find solace in quietness and excitement in new experiences whenever opportunities present themselves. But it seems that now, in the United States, where many can’t tell that I am half-Asian, suddenly fitting in at face value and the relief it sometimes provided me became upsetting. Now, I constantly feel a little murky, like when you eat M&Ms on a hot day and the dyes start to bleed and blend to a dark brown on your fingertips.

You can’t progress without a little discomfort, though, and I do believe that. Whether it is within yourself and having to raise the bar of what “minimum” means, some of the greatest have become so because they were bold.

I wish I could say I’ve found a better way to combat the anxiety, but truly, I haven’t. I still get insecure about how loud my heels can be in the hallways. There is still a moment in which I debate changing before stepping out of my front door, and sometimes I do still want to just throw on something comfortable and casual so that I don’t think about if people think I am a wannabe or have horrendous style that I seem to be blind to.

So, I just blast music — lately, playing “DARE” by Gorillaz on repeat while waiting for Malcolm Todd to release the song he’s been teasing on TikTok — and spend my weekends with people who make life feel so fun that dressing up only adds to my fulfillment.

Our clothes can make us stand taller and reveal a lot of how we perceive ourselves, not just who we want to be seen as. It makes me think about this Reddit thread I found once on how the scene in “Crazy, Stupid, Love.” (2011) when Ryan Gosling takes Steve Carell shopping changed how men saw fashion and clothing.

Funnily enough, a line that resonated with me was when Gosling made Carell repeat, “Be better than the Gap” — it was not to throw shade on Gap, and especially not now with their success after Zac Posen took on the executive vice president and creative director role last year, but rather the attitude towards a brand that you default to because it gets the job done.

In that scene, the jeans were okay enough for Carell’s character, which was exactly the problem. They weren’t jeans that made him feel, and therefore look, good.

Confidence is a funny thing since it takes years to build and can be lost in a split second — similar to trust and respect. It can be so easy to fake. However, the good thing is that rebuilding it can be just as quick when you learn to let go and live outside of the self you feel stuck in.

Hadyn Phillips is a senior writing about fashion in the 21st century, spotlighting new trends and popular controversy in her column, “That’s Fashion, Sweetie,” which runs every Wednesday.