When thinking of your ideal partner, I’m sure some answers will consist of the typical descriptors like height, hair color, hobbies and personality. In my experience, some of the feminine-presenting people in my life have provided me with similar answers. 

All is well when it comes to physical attributes. But it goes downhill when they try to define the values they hope their future partner embodies: hygienic, respectful and not racist. In reality, these traits shouldn’t have to be verbalized at all. 

As evil situationships and failed talking stages become more common, women have turned to romanticizing the “perfect man.” However, this idealization of the “perfect” man’s characteristics are rooted in realism as women have been conditioned to expect less. In other words, gushing over a man for reading a book is like being excited that there’s a fork in the kitchen, the sky is blue or the squirrels on campus are rotund. 

In other words, these “dreamy” qualities should actually be a given. 

Last year, TikTok popularized a trend where women purposely spilled ketchup on their kitchen counters and asked their boyfriends and husbands to clean it up. Men feigned confusion as they pushed ketchup around their counters, creating more of a mess and proving themselves incapable of cleanliness. 

Although the joke was lighthearted, the implications are not. Too many women brushed off this ineptitude as typical “boys will be boys” behavior. Commenters shared stories about their own silly husbands who complete tasks poorly so that their wives never ask them to lift another finger.   

Similarly, men can get away with achieving the bare minimum simply because they are conventionally attractive. 

When scrolling on TikTok, good-looking men look bored as they lip sync and flex at their cameras on the For You page. The dreaded thirst traps are almost yawn-worthy, yet some women think otherwise. Women flood the comment section praising his looks, idealizing his personality and labeling him their “dream man.”  He wears big sweaters and puts Big Thief behind his video, so he must respect women.

This bare minimum praise stems from fundamental issues of gender discrimination. Society has normalized and labeled women as overachievers who must cater to the men around them.  Whatever women have been doing, a man will do it once and be told they do it better. 

Single fathers are praised for their commitment and embrace of traditionally feminine roles, but single mothers are treated as taboo. In the workforce, women must go out of their way to stand out, but a man can take a golf trip and work their way up. 

Women have always had to work twice as hard in all aspects of life, especially in relationships. Even in an era of progress and women’s empowerment, women continue to bend down and reach for the bar that seems to be getting lower and lower.

All this is not to say that men do not deserve any sort of acknowledgment or praise. American television host and relationship therapist Laura Berman explains, “It is okay to want compliments and to need appreciation, that ‘being a man’ does not negate our human need for connection, support, and loving words.” 

Men have every right to express themselves freely without social or emotional constraints. They should not have to uphold the unrealistic standards of masculinity expected of them. 

Even with this sensitivity in mind, we still cannot continue to place men on a pedestal. 

By expecting so little, women’s standards and men’s behavior become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Men aren’t going to go out of their way to be extraordinary if they’re already going to get praise for being ordinary. A guy would never go out of his way for you if you practically melted when he said he watched a rom-com once a couple of years ago. 

Of course, your partner should be respectful and kind. And our expectations for a dream man should be unreachable and unachievable. But, before you tell your friends that you’ve found “the one” because he knew the word “patriarchy” and was a little bit taller than you, stop and consider whether or not these qualities are worth the praise. 

Hold the men in your life to the same standards that you hold yourself. By doing so, we can start to dismantle the societal divide that separates us and rebuild the confining expectations that withhold us.