You got centel’d …

Tuesday morning, my friends sent a frenzy of frantic messages about a Barstool USC Instagram post. Plastered in bold capital letters across an image of superstar sophomore guard JuJu Watkins was the word: “Transferring.” The fine print elaborated, “JuJu Watkins has announced she will be transferring schools following a season-ending injury that has reshaped her path forward.”

Despite my absent digital literacy, I addressed the post with a JuJu-esque nonchalance. Honestly, I think Watkins was more fazed than I was. She commented with a GIF of a dog — eyes wide, mouth agape — shocked just as much as my buddies. Perhaps she briefly considered that the chronically online Beta Gamma Theta Delta Sigma Phi or whatever brother managing Barstool USC knew more about her future whereabouts than she did.

It’s a valid fear. While Barstool is known for its playful irreverence, the account often speaks USC sports facts; it voices what we’re all thinking and feeling. But even with Barstool’s borderline credibility, I knew this was fake news. A frequent victim of sports satire aggregators like NBACentel or DrakeMayeLover, I’ve seen my fair share of fabricated headlines. But the subject of this post — Watkins’ loyalty — was a dead giveaway of its fallibility.

My heart skipped no beats; it even threw in a couple more in the surety of Watkins’ sticking around. We saw it all week during the Trojans’ near 115-minute NCAA Tournament run without Watkins. She FaceTimed into the locker room to celebrate a Sweet 16 victory, and even though it was in the form of a Funko Pop, she sported Jewell Loyd GT Cut 3 “Paint Splatter” sneakers for the national anthem and consumed 90% of the airtime from the sidelines. 

USC women’s basketball fans have no reason to fear the transfer portal.

Yes, the team will lose at least four players this offseason, including three starters, but that’s because they have simply aged out of college. Head Coach Lindsay Gottlieb’s culture of joyous excellence invokes loyalty, keeping the youngbloods at Galen Center. 

For those who are not fans of USC basketball, well … your favorite player may jump ship to join Coach G. Over the past two seasons, Gottlieb snagged starters in McKenzie Forbes, Kaitlyn Davis and Kayla Padilla as well as graduate guards Kiki Iriafen and Talia von Oelhoffen from the portal.

If your team’s fragile roster is giving you heart palpitations, then maybe it’s time to follow a fleet of collegiate sports misinformation campaigns and deploy the Barstool barometer. When you encounter a rumor — false or soon-to-be true — how do your anxieties measure up?

Are you up out of your seat, celebrating with your roommates, “Bless! So-and-so is transferring!!” If so, take a breath, relax. They’re not going anywhere. They’re more likely to grow to six-foot-seven and be granted a magical seventh year of eligibility just to torment you than leave the roster.

Do you feel nothing? Debunked! Congratulations, it’s a dupe. You’ve found your program-defining player. They’re here to stay.

Or are you bummed? Because if you’re bummed, the Barstool barometer is telling me: They’re gone for good, and your team’s culture might need some serious work. 

Bonus application: The Barstool barometer isn’t just for transfers; it also works for talking heads. Imagine a post claiming that Holly Rowe has been suspended from ESPN due to unnecessary fast food– and award show-related commentary. If that declaration has you brimming with joy, the barometer has ruled that it’s far too politically correct to be true — forever fake news. 

Go ahead, put it to the test. Blend misinformation with gut instinct and make some assumptions on the latest transfer portal departures before you lose your chance to tell your buddies, “I told you so.” The season isn’t over yet, and plenty of drama remains to unfold.

Leila MacKenzie is a junior writing about minor details in sports in her column, “Little Things,” which runs every other Wednesday. She is also the data editor at the Daily Trojan.