By now, I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve run into someone I know around campus at USC who has ended our conversation with some statement like, “Let’s definitely grab coffee soon!” or “We should totally hang out sometime!” only for them to never initiate an actual meet-up or ghost me when I try to turn their suggestion into a concrete plan. 

Living in Los Angeles, these supposedly polite but ultimately hollow offers feel more common than their much simpler, but effective, counterparts, such as “See you around!,” “Have a good one!” or even just “Bye!”

I don’t subscribe to the popular overgeneralization that everyone in L.A. is fake, because I’ve definitely met some amazing people both at USC and around L.A. who have been incredibly compassionate and genuine with me from the start.

That said, I do think that finding people like that is a rare treasure, and a significant portion of both USC students and, more broadly, people in L.A., are prone to throwing around empty flattery under the guise of being nice. Studying abroad in Edinburgh, where these behaviors aren’t the norm, has emphasized to me just how fake conversations back home tend to be.

That insincerity is something I’ve never understood as — for better or worse — I’ve been extremely honest with and about those around me for as long as I can remember. If I say that I want to see you, I mean it, and if I want nothing to do with you, then you probably know it. 

Of course, in certain situations — like if you have class with someone you’re no longer friends with — I fully recognize the value in being civil and respectful. I find being considerate is useful in general, even around people you don’t know. Still, while remaining amicable, I’ve always leaned toward being transparent about where I stand with people. 

In Edinburgh, something I’ve greatly appreciated about the culture here is the genuine friendliness and warmth that people have toward others in the community: When someone says “We should grab lunch soon!,” it’s not purely out of social obligation or people-pleasing pressures — it’s out of their real desire to spend more time together one-on-one. 

Personally, that has been refreshing and freeing because, unlike in L.A., here I don’t have to overthink every conversation I have, wondering whether the other person actually meant what they said and wants to develop our friendship further or was just saying it simply for the sake of saying it. 

Moreover, now that I have had a taste of a different attitude toward socializing than the one I’m used to encountering, I see the L.A. way — and more generally the United States style — of conversing for what it truly is: a thin veil of cordiality covering judgment and reeking with conflict avoidance. 

The people who say these things without any intention of following through would prefer to feign friendliness and disappear over text, rather than being perceived as a mean person for not saying what they think you want to hear.

The unfortunate result of behaving this way is that, by being so focused on coming off as nice, they are actually hurting other people more in the grand scheme of things.

Without promises of future hangouts, the other person has no reason to expect anything further. But by sounding enthusiastic about potential plans, these people can cause someone to mistakenly believe that they want to become closer. Then, when their actions don’t align with their words, the person on the other side can end up feeling rejected, unvalued, socially incompetent, disappointed or lonely.

Ultimately, it is a greater kindness to not give people false hope about developing a friendship when that’s not one’s genuine goal. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still be polite or friendly to people that you talk to, but it does mean that you should be more cognizant of your words.  

So, if you don’t want to hang out with someone, it’s better to avoid mentions of spending more time together and instead opt for a “Well, it was great seeing you!” 

To those on the other side, who may be feeling frustrated about people’s fake niceties: Remember that actions speak louder than words, and that the people who consistently show up for you are the ones who truly care about you and are worthy of your time. 

Dor Peretz is a junior writing about United States culture and politics analyzed through the lens of her time studying abroad in her column, “A Broader Perspective,” which runs every other Friday.