The lesbian manipulator is unlike any other. She doesn’t pretend to be cool and nonchalant. She’s overly chalant, terrifyingly so. She’s like a star in the night sky — both because she comes in fiery hot, shining bright, but exhausts her energy and burns out of people’s lives, leaving nothing in her wake but a black hole of despair, and also because there are just so many of them out there. 

“I made you a playlist,” she croons after a four-hour-long first date — famous last words. Once someone gets that dreaded iMessage Spotify link full of songs that scream love bombing, they know they’re probably never going to see this girl again.

This, friends, is that dreaded playlist. Whether readers take these names as a warning or a recommendation is up to them — but choose wisely.

MUNA

“Got my mini skirt and my rollerblades on,” Katie Gavin sings on “Silk Chiffon.” The fun, upbeat tunes USC alumni MUNA produces sound exactly like a whirlwind romance, the exhilarating thrill of a honeymoon phase. The sweet song is a testament to the band’s silly, whimsical vibe and flirty, fun attitude. 

The light, optimistic lyrics reflect a delightfully beautiful idea of a budding new love. “Life’s so fun, life’s so fun,” they repeat. Whether that fun lasts is none of MUNA’s concern. But for nearly three and a half minutes, have not a care in the world. Get that septum piercing. Let the lesbian manipulator convince their next victim life is indeed so, so fun. Learn to keep it light like silk chiffon. 

But ask her to name any other MUNA song and see the true nature of the lesbian manipulator revealed: She doesn’t really like MUNA, she just really likes this song, because every girl does.

Billie Eilish

While Billie Eilish certainly has a wide demographic of fans, she deserves recognition for her contributions to many a shared lesbian situationship playlist. “LUNCH” was revolutionary. While Chappell Roan and Reneé Rapp are certainly the ones to thank for the recent large-scale mainstreaming of lesbian anthems, Eilish has no doubt recently become a trailblazer as well — a huge win for the entire women-loving-women community.

Of course, her Oscar-worthy performance in the “Guess” music video, rolling down a mountain of panties with Charli xcx, cannot be forgotten. Eilish sings in her signature raspy whisper and exudes a charismatic confidence that charms the listener with ease. 

While not so explicitly queer in its messaging, “BIRDS OF A FEATHER” is another undoubtedly tender track of hers, which might appear on a lesbian manipulator’s playlist as she sings “I love you, don’t act so surprised.” A suspicious lyric, to say the least.

Leith Ross 

Unlike the aforementioned playfully suggestive bops, “We’ll Never Have Sex” and “(You) On My Arm,” deviate entirely from this theme, offering hope of a much sweeter feeling. But don’t be fooled, friends, they are just as glaring a siren, just as bright-red a flag. The joyful innocence of “(You) On My Arm” is practically the lesbian manipulator’s mating call.

Ross sings, “I wanna buy you / Pretty little things and never ever lie to you.” Yeah, right. But though these promises may be empty, the sentiment is nice. After all, it’s the thought that counts, and Ross’ wholesome lyrics never fail to make a girl swoon. The lovely melody is a lethal combination with the romantic imagery, as Ross conjures pictures of falling asleep together and getting ready side by side.

girl in red 

Of course, this is an obligatory mention, but nonetheless, one deserving of being the grand finale of the playlist. Any one of girl in red’s songs would fit the bill. Add “bad idea!” if you like, or the aptly named “girls.” How about the on-the-nose “i wanna be your girlfriend”? Or, worst of all, the quintessential “we fell in love in october.” All of these tracks have become synonymous with the women-loving-women experience.

girl in red is an artist whose very name at one point became shorthand for asking someone if they were interested in women — “Do you listen to girl in red?” She’s often the first stop on the LGBTQIA+ music train, one of the modern pioneers of the queer indie scene. She has even managed to claim her own month. Every October, lesbians start looking around and coupling up, or at least trying to. While autumn is cuffing season for all, girl in red ushers it in each year with her lyrics that, to many, act as a manifestation tactic as they clutch their rose quartz necklaces and sing along: “My girl, my girl, my girl / You will be my girl.”