“Sorry I can’t right now” is a text we’ve all heard and sent, both for self-care and saving time. 

Most of the time we mean it: Your week might really be packed. But somewhere between the sent text and the empty weekend, a question is beckoning: When did friendships become a matter of convenience?

Friendship is often supposed to be an easygoing relationship, one that doesn’t come with a syllabus and list of hefty requirements. Friendship is more fun than stress — that’s the best part. But easygoing doesn’t mean effortless. And it most certainly doesn’t erase our responsibility to maintain it. 

At USC, where students have crammed, back-to-back schedules, it can be difficult to make time for friends. Oftentimes, we squeeze in time where we can, especially with study dates in Leavey Library and quick talks in passing before your next class. Classes, internships, clubs and job applications fill the calendar — hanging out gets whatever time is left. 

We call this lack of time independence and a productive mindset. But at times, it’s really self-optimization to a deprecating extent. As we focus on self-optimization and our independent lives, we treat human connection more like a chore than a necessity. Just one more thing to schedule, one more energy-consuming thing we’ve decided to ration time for.

Picture how it goes: A friend texts on a Tuesday night: “Can we hang out?” You could be studying. You could be writing up a last-minute paper. So, you quickly shoot back a “next time.” In the back of your mind, you know that soon you’ll find more productive uses of your time again. The hangout ends up being rescheduled, prioritizing the next paper, application and assignment — and the cycle never ends.

Nobody decides to drift. It just happens slowly and quietly, one “let’s catch up soon” at a time, with neither person willing to send the first text to end the back-and-forth. 

A 2023 Pew Research Center survey of more than 5,000 adults in the United States found that almost 8% said they have no close friends, and that adults under 30 are less likely than senior citizens to have five or more close friends at only 32%, compared with the 49% of those 65 and older. The numbers are telling — a lot of us are both busy and alone at the same time.

And that’s before we get to bigger favors: It makes it even harder to do nice things when all that’s prioritized is one’s Google Calendar. If you don’t have time for a night-in talk, you most definitely can’t help take them to the airport.

We’ve also gotten increasingly fluent in a language that makes all of this sound healthy: “Protecting my peace,” “setting boundaries,” “detoxing.” Some of that is warranted: Neither rest nor recharging are selfish, and nobody owes anyone unlimited access. But somewhere along the line, the phrases stopped meaning “I need a night for myself” and started meaning “I just don’t prioritize you.”

Your time matters. But so do your friends who planned the dinner you bailed on. 

This doesn’t mean every invitation deserves a yes. Finals stress is real. So are family obligations and self-care nights. The point isn’t to say yes to everything; it’s to notice when “not right now” subtly turns into “not ever.”

So why bother? Because reliable friendships grant a satisfaction one can’t find from just checking off a quick coffee as if it’s a task. Being needed by someone, even at a bad time, is a reminder that you belong somewhere, and that someone is grateful for you. All friendships need nurturing — a sign that care is appreciated and reciprocated. 

It makes hard-won friendships all the more rewarding, especially because those relationships can’t be rushed. University of Kansas associate professor Jeffrey Hall estimated it takes more than 200 hours together to become close friends. There’s no hack for that. 

The hours you put in are the friendship, and most of them aren’t conventional: late-night drives, small errands, dinners that run an hour past what was scheduled. The inconvenient moments aren’t the cost. They’re the point.

So text first. Initiate plans, and I mean real plans. Not just quick 30-minute, catch-up coffees. Do it this week. Give them a call and laugh about absolutely nothing. Help a friend get to the airport. Say “I can’t, but I can tomorrow,” and then actually show up. Be a little hassle to love, and let your friends be that for you.