DOWNLOADABLE CONTENT
‘Unpacking’ a queer identity
How a cozy puzzle game forced me to rethink my meaning of normal.
How a cozy puzzle game forced me to rethink my meaning of normal.
I was 15 when the universe chose me to be gay. And by that, I mean I received a whopping 80% on an “Am I Gay?” quiz on a sketchy website at 3 a.m. Devastation ensued.
You see, I didn’t come from the most accepting environment. Attending a small, private Christian high school, I was everything my teachers looked for in their students. Perfect grades and a plethora of extracurriculars adorned my high school resume. Yet, there was a rather explicit belief held by the administration, faculty and students at my school: Under the authority of the Bible, homosexuality was a sin.
During my sophomore year, I became incredibly outspoken about my political beliefs, especially those concerning the LGBTQIA+ community. Though I hate to make blanket statements, almost everyone at my school was blatantly homophobic and not afraid to show it. I found myself in many arguments defending LGBTQIA+ identities.
The school community’s response was distasteful, to say the least. Rumors flew. My car was defaced. I didn’t really care until a girl asked me mid-quarrel, “Why do you care so much? Are you gay?”
Of course not! Of course I wasn’t gay. What a ridiculous thing to say! It’s not like I took every snide, homophobic comment I heard personally. It’s not like I had been pining after one of my girl friends for years … Oh, wait.
Though I didn’t actually “turn gay” at age 15, it was certainly the first time I confronted my reality head-on. Falling outside the predetermined “normal” identity scared me. After years of hearing how much my peers despised people in the LGBTQIA+ community (or rather, how they wished they would repent for their wicked choices), the idea of falling within such a circle wasn’t something I wanted. Even today, thanks to the beliefs of the Christian community I was exposed to for years, I still struggle with severe compulsory heterosexuality.
This summer I finally played the cozy indie game “Unpacking.” The premise is simple: unpack a young woman’s different homes, like a childhood room or college dorm, as she progresses through life.
I bought the game during the best time of the year: the Steam summer sale. Each year during the sale I usually turn my wallet inside out to pack my game library with titles I’ll never touch; however, upon hearing “Unpacking” had a measly five-to-six-hour playthrough, my non-committal self decided to boot it up.
What I expected was a zen puzzle game about unpacking boxes. What I did not expect was a game that would leave me bawling over my queer identity.
“Unpacking,” though it is a silly little game, details the minutiae of queer experience. As we unpack the character’s room, it’s slowly revealed through mundane objects like rainbow socks and extra tampons that she is far more complex than we initially thought.
After the stiflingly masculine level of the game, which I condescendingly dubbed the “man apartment,” unpacking a new apartment with two sets of bras knocked the wind out of me. I didn’t quite understand why this meant so much to me at the time; bisexual representation had been on the rise in the past decade, so this certainly wasn’t the first time I’d witnessed a bisexual character in media. And yet, there was something about this reveal that left me feeling seen in a way I hadn’t before.
The small knick-knacks of the main character’s childhood room sat next to the petite succulents of her girlfriend’s. The stuffed pig of her youth shared the center of the bed with her girlfriend’s stuffed tiger. A familiar green toothbrush found itself snuggling with a new wooden one on the sink counter. These trivial details conveyed an aura of domesticity, a home filled with items from the past and present, ushering in a promising future.
Though I was caught off guard by the realization of the protagonist’s identity, I was even more shocked by how unremarkable her new situation was — but that was the best part. Her bisexuality was so normal, nothing to bat an eye at. This normalcy is what hit me hardest: If her life in a queer relationship could be considered so average and domestic, why couldn’t mine?
I am proud of my identity. Being bisexual has shaped me in ways I cannot mold into words. However, this aspect of my identity isn’t anything out of the ordinary. Being part of the LGBTQIA+ community is normal. Being straight is not a “default setting,” despite how many of those around us would say otherwise.
I see myself in the young woman from “Unpacking.” Her attachment to her childhood stuffed animals, love of reading and struggle to find her place are all too familiar. Though I’m still growing toward full acceptance, I hope one day I can achieve her lifestyle — a life where the mundane is magical, where I can find pride in the unremarkable.
Aubrie Cole is a sophomore writing about video games in her column, “Downloadable Content,” which runs every other Tuesday. She is also an arts & entertainment editor at the Daily Trojan.
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