In the realm of heterosexual dating, men and women are locked in an eternal dance. They are the sun and the moon, the sky and the earth, and the binary at the center of our society. Torn between what society tells them their relationship should look like and what they actually want, it is no longer as simple as “men provide” and “women receive.” 

In modern dating, is it inherently wrong to want to split a relationship down the middle? Or for men, does what you bring to the table always need to be a credit card?

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Despite how modern we like to think we are, relationships between men and women play out dynamics that outlive even our grandparents. For much of human history, beliefs about divisions of labor dictated the roles of men and women. A popular idea that went roughly unchallenged for decades was the hunter-gatherer relationship between ancient men and women.

The notion that men took an active role to provide has unsurprisingly trickled down into our modern understanding of what men should do for women in dating. Men are to provide for women during the dates, mirroring how they would take care of them during the relationship. 

Is the obvious imbalance between one partner paying for everything a slap in the face of gender equity? Yes and no. Women cannot be lumped together in what kind of partnership they want. While there are those that would like a man to pay for the bill, others might find the behavior archaic and rude. 

In the early stages of dating, “icks” — or small non-negotiables — become grounds for singles to dismiss potential partners. The “icks” women find in men vary from disliking a man wearing socks with sandals to when men call women “females.”

Despite that, all of these reservations fall away when the check comes on the first date. The man, placed in the hot seat like generations of single men before him, is left to sink or swim with women watching to see how he navigates this dating minefield. 

Sophia da Costa, a senior majoring in global health, said she doesn’t hold it against a man if he wants to go 50/50 but instead sees the value and appreciates when a man pays the bill.“If he wants to go 50/50 then it’s like, ‘Okay, you’re trying not to do something.’ You’re looking at the whole gentleman narrative and saying, ‘This isn’t for me,’” Da Costa said. “I don’t know if I want a guy who’s like that. I want a guy who sees value in being a gentleman.”

However, there are important factors outside of dating that shed light on why a man may offer to pay the bill. According to Grace Huang, a research fellow at the Annenberg Center on Communication Leadership and Policy, experiencing cultural differences in dating made her realize how trivial the politics of who pays for the meal can be. 

“I once went on a date once with a guy in Slovakia … He bought me ice cream from one of the touristy places … After that, I was like, ‘Let me pay you something or buy you something like coffee,’ because he paid for the ice cream,” Huang said. “But he thought that my gesture was essentially refusing him. Locally, you would not ask a woman to pay for anything on the first date, but it doesn’t work like that where I’m from.”

Shera Seven, an author known for her viral TikToks where she advocates hypergamy —- the act of dating or marrying someone of a higher financial status — has breathed life into the dialogue surrounding first date etiquette. She insists that by dating higher up on the food chain, women avoid men that believe in 50/50, arguing that any man unwilling to spend money on his partner is a man that should be left alone. 

Her take, however extreme it may seem, is ultimately shortsighted and promotes a culture of dating that encourages singles to hide their true feelings surrounding the topic of paying. If men believe a woman would like them to pay, they will, despite the fact that they do not want to. 

Simply because they think the behavior will come off as attractive, there is enough reward for men to take out their wallets. “It’s an act. It’s like the peacock feathers, you’re doing your little dance,” Da Costa said. 

Men can lie about their true preferences when it comes to how they want to split the financial burden just as easily as women can pretend to not care about them. 

For Huang, when women look at whether or not a man pays for the meal as a tell of how he will be as a partner, they are looking for reasons to not like the person — and that defeats the purpose of dating all together. “You’re micro-analyzing. You’re so eager,” Huang said. “You want to know if this is going to work out so badly, and that’s going to be the thing that kills the relationship.”

The notion that Gen Z splits the bill on first dates isn’t entirely supported; a traditional narrative surrounding first date etiquette often still persists. In a 2023 study by Psychological Reports, researchers surveyed 552 heterosexual Gen Z college students and found that young men paid for all or most of the dates 90% of the time. In contrast, women paid 2% of the time and in the other 8% the bill was split evenly. Nearly 80% of the men surveyed said they expected to pay on the first date while 55% of women said they expected men to. 

Whether or not a man pays for a bill is almost completely inconsequential. But to staunch defenders of the practice, I encourage you to look inward and ask yourself, “What is this telling me about them?” If you need someone to pay for the meal to show you you’re worth it, then maybe you shouldn’t date right now. 

Rather than focus on the behaviors of potential partners, focus on the person. Superficial gestures that society has given meaning to — like paying the bill — will not tell you how this person responds in stressful situations or how they communicate in a relationship. Learning to accept that people contain multitudes and that they too are at the whim of societal expectations will help us all dismantle unfair ideas like these that place an unfair burden on singles. 

Dating is a dance and we are all performers. Rather than worrying about what the audience thinks, all we can do is put our heart out there and twirl.