A midseason recap for visiting parents

There are some people who enjoy Swiss cheese, and some who don’t.

There are some people who track tornadoes, and some who don’t.

There are some people who understand Russian, and some who don’t.

Parents from all walks of life will descend on the USC campus this weekend. After all, the university expects this to be the largest Parents Weekend ever. Yet, regardless of our differences, there is only one thing that matters.

There are some people who follow USC football, and some who don’t.

Many visitors and parents might feel intimidated or lost by their lack of knowledge as they stand among the Trojan faithful this weekend.

Have no fear, parents. Whether you’ve been living in a cave of isolation or a sea of knowledge, I have everything you need to know about USC football as we reach the official midpoint of the season. After you read this, you should feel comfortable talking to any Trojan fan about the state of USC football.

There is one thing you must understand first and foremost: USC is the best team in the nation. It doesn’t matter that we’re No. 4 in the Coaches’ and AP Polls or that we were screwed by the biggest Ponzi scheme since Bernie Madoff by being ranked No. 7 in the BCS standings. We will take on any and all challengers and beat them to a pulp.

This brings me to my next point. For some inexcusable reason that can only be explained by the movie Angels in the Outfield, we always lose to an inferior Pac-10 team early in the season. Critics like to point to our loss to Washington as a reason to keep us out of the national title game.

But there has not been a BCS national championship game with two undefeated teams since 2006. Every team messes up.

Last year, our mysterious loss came in Corvallis at the hands of Oregon State. During that game, college football’s Muggsy Bogues ran all over our defense (his real name is Jacquizz Rodgers) as USC couldn’t locate him — and when the Trojans did, they couldn’t tackle him.

So if you hear the name Jacquizz, just pop your head into the circle, declare that we will hold him to only 40 yards this year and pop out. If forced to defend your statement, just point to the fact we’ve had a year to prepare for him.

Also, no matter if USC wins or loses, we always end up playing two teams: the opposing school and the officials. Any USC fan that watched the last game at Notre Dame will tell you that the NBA must not be the only league using replacement refs.

Sure, our team likes to have fun and do a little trash talking. But when running back Joe McKnight gets tackled by the ankles right in front of the referee after being five yards out of bounds and it doesn’t get called, or Mays hits someone while he’s clearly still inbounds and gets a late-hit penalty, we know a zebra’s escaped from the zoo.

It’s important to note that USC has the best freshman quarterback ever in Matt Barkley. He got his name in some Heisman talk this week after he passed for 380 yards and two touchdowns against Notre Dame. He also went into the third-biggest college football stadium in the country, Ohio State, in only his second start and led the game-winning fourth quarter drive.

He’s more relaxed than Manny Ramirez and cooler than Coolio. During the Ohio State game, he walked into the huddle smiling and asked, “Isn’t this fun?”

Speaking of fun, our defense is more enjoyable to watch than our offense. In fact, the defense might be better than last year’s unit, and it has eight new starters. USC ranks fourth nationally against the run and didn’t give up a passing touchdown until last week.

Defensive ends Everson Griffen and Nick Perry are among the nation’s leaders in sacks with seven and eight respectively. You do not want to be chased by those guys.

Lastly, even though USC lost one of its top running backs, Stafon Johnson, a few weeks ago because of a freak weightlifting accident — the bar crushed his throat and he can’t speak, but he’s recovering — another running back is the MVP for the first half of the year: Joe McKnight.

McKnight has finally grown out of the “next Reggie Bush” phase and developed into his own player. He dominated that final drive against Ohio State and leads the team with 569 rushing yards and seven touchdowns. Look for No. 4 to get the ball a lot Saturday, as Oregon State is allowing almost 100 rushing yards per game.

That sums up USC’s season so far. Hopefully, you now will no longer feel like the most uninformed person in the Coliseum. But if you find yourself among a crowd tomorrow and can’t remember anything about the USC football team just look around: It’s 80 degrees in late October. Let’s play some football.

“Spittin’ Sports” runs Fridays. To comment on this article, visit dailytrojan.com or email Kenny at [email protected].