Ask Tiffany: Reading the signs…on his ex’s pregnancy test

Dear Tifffany, 

I’m currently ardently in love with someone we’ll call Steven, and we’ve been together since this March. Before Steven and I were together, he was with another girl for three years. He slept with me while they were together without telling me about her existence, but I forgave him when I found out. She broke up with him shortly afterward for an unrelated incident, and we continued our relationship. She recently left a letter, and a positive pregnancy test, in my mailbox. In the letter, she noted that he’s a serial cheater and left his first girlfriend for her after they slept together. I later contacted the first girlfriend on Facebook, and she confirmed this fact, though Steven denies it, and says they’re simply out to ruin our relationship. Then his second ex-girlfriend also said that she’s eight months pregnant with Steven’s baby and has recently decided to tell him on the advice of her psychiatrist who suggested that she give him the option of adopting the baby himself if he doesn’t want the child to be put up for blind adoption. I confronted him about this, partly because I was deeply uncomfortable she found my address, and he said that he’s just ignoring her because he doesn’t believe her. Considering the positive pregnancy tests she placed in both of our mailboxes, her trustworthy and prudent reputation after talking to his friends, the emotion in the tear-spotted letter, an assent to a paternity test and the timeline, I do believe her. I can’t believe that he would simply ignore her pleas and would decline to even contact her regarding something as momentous as his first child. Is this grounds for breaking up with him, even if it technically doesn’t include me? I’m worried I’m seeing a true and ugly aspect of his character.

— Pregnant Pauses

Unfortunately, the fact that his ex-girlfriend found your mailbox is probably the least of your worries, unsettling as it is. What’s more unsettling is this sketchy, heartless bloke, Steven. These recent events have definitely made him exemplify some nasty behavior — conflict avoidance, projection, a total lack of empathy — but the red flags started well before this.

Serial cheater or not, Steven seems to be a bit of a serial liar, or at least a repeat offender on many serious counts. Though he might have grown out of this pattern, his recent behavior doesn’t argue a good case for keeping him around. Even you say that you believe his ex, and with all the mounting evidence you’ve cited, I am inclined to believe her too. If she is making all this up, Steven’s chosen solution of ignoring the problem away still suggests a dearth of emotional maturity. Let’s not forget that this is how he is treating someone he dated for three years, and may have dated for longer had it not been for the unspecified transgression that caused her to dump him.

Contrary to what you may think, this totally does include you. I don’t want to urge you to break up with him, but it’s definitely time to wake up and smell the roses (they smell like sh*t).

Tiffany Kuan is a senior majoring in business administration. Her blog advice column, Ask Tiffany, runs every Monday.

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