And the final chapter: what I learned at USC

Right about now, hundreds of thousands of high school seniors are making their life-changing decision about which college to attend. Only 3,000 will make the right choice and come to our side of warm, sunny Los Angeles for the next four years.

I remember when I made my decision, and then changed it and then changed it back in the span of five minutes. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

But now, four years later, my time here is coming to an end. After a terrific, some will say legendary, others will say unreplicable, dynastic run for the last two years at Spittin’ Sports, the moment has come to say goodbye. Take a moment to grab a Kleenex and cry — it’s okay. It’s only natural.

Before I go, I want to leave the high school seniors from around the world who are attending USC in the fall (because I know Spittin’ Sports has a huge global presence; I found a hooker in the Red Light District in Amsterdam reading it one time), as well as current students with some tips on how to get the most, from an athletic standpoint, out of your time at USC.

You incoming freshmen might think you’re ready to be Trojans, but not so fast. Here’s what you need to know how to become a great Trojan like me.

First and foremost, no song is requested more at USC sporting events than Fleetwood Mac’s hit, “Tusk.”

You might be thinking, “Why is a song about Mic Fleetwood’s junk (seriously, look it up, big rumor out on the Internet) one of the school’s most celebrated songs?” Well, us clever USC students had a little fun and changed the words around a bit. You’ll have to go to a sporting event to truly appreciate it, but it goes along the lines of really not liking a certain school from across town.

And that’s a rule. In fact, you are encouraged to remind yourself and everyone around you that you do not like that institution by singing about it at any sporting event, even when we are playing Fairfield University in women’s lacrosse.

Next, to be a good Trojan, you must line up outside the Coliseum at least two hours before the gates open (so about four hours before the game starts) to get good seats for football games during your first two years. This is almost a rite of passage. I’m not going to tell you why you should only do this for the first two years, but once you become a junior, you’ll understand.

Also, if USC legally qualifies for the Rose Bowl at any point during your time at USC, you need to go. I failed to go when we qualified my freshman and sophomore years with the expectation I would wait until we inevitably played in the national championship to go to the big game. But thanks to the NCAA, that never happened.

Which brings me to another important point. USC is not well-liked by a lot of people in the country, much like Notre Dame, because it is so good at everything, unlike Notre Dame. It is totally okay to be arrogant and be comfortable about it. Mind you, there’s a fine line between arrogance and ignorance or repugnance, but you’ll learn the difference.

We’ve won three straight national championships in men’s water polo, two straight national titles in men’s tennis, we’re the reigning national champion in women’s water polo and the women’s soccer and golf teams have won national championships in the last four seasons.

That’s not to mention men’s volleyball, which has a better record than president Barack Obama did in the first round of his March Madness bracket. So, by the transitive property, yes, the team is better than the President.

With all these teams enjoying such great success, don’t go all four years without going to a variety of games. Football and Kevin O’Neill bobblehead night might rule the headlines, but there are so many hidden athletic gems at USC.

USC is an institution with one of the richest (literally and figuratively) sporting backgrounds in the country. Football and basketball will climb back up there in a few years. In the meantime, think about how awesome it would be to channel your inner-hipster and tell your grandkids that you saw Amy Rodriguez playing soccer before the country knew Amy Rodriguez playing soccer was cool.

Which brings me to my final point. I know USC will never be the same without Spittin’ Sports to get you through class, but do your best to enjoy the four (or five?) years of your life here and take in as much as possible. I couldn’t have asked for anything more in my four years, but it’s time to move on to different pastures, so I leave you with two words:

Fight on.

“Spittin’ Sports” ran Fridays. To comment on this article email Kenny at [email protected] or visit dailytrojan.com.