Director changes personae

When Alexandre Dumas wrote The Three Musketeers in 1844, he left out a few important details: The English invented airships, the musketeers were Muay Thai masters and Versailles was built approximately one King Louis ahead of schedule.

Paul W.S. Anderson set out to give his version of Dumas’ classic a modern edge. Though it sparkles with pretty costumes, pretty effects and very pretty men, Anderson’s vision slaps on a chastity belt, hacks off character traits and adds in massive technology for no reason other than looking cool. It plays like Pirates of the Caribbean meets Assassin’s Creed meets Brotherhood of the Wolf, but The Three Musketeers has half the soul of any of them.

The film follows the story of D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman), a poor young nobleman from the country who wants to become one of the king’s musketeers. Musketeering’s not such a hot job now though, as three of the most famous musketeers, Athos (Matthew Macfadyen), Porthos (Ray Stevenson) and Aramis (Luke Evans) have nothing better to do than to challenge teenage boys to life-or-death duels.

It’s not long before D’Artagnan is drawn into political intrigue. Cardinal Richelieu (Christoph Waltz) rules over a weak and foppish King Louis XIII (Freddie Fox) and wants to start a war with England. To do so, he hires the deadly Milady de Winter (Milla Jovovich) to make it look like the queen is having an affair with the Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom). But the duke thinks de Winter is working for him, while Athos, her ex-husband/boyfriend/piece on the side thinks she’s just a treacherous witch.

To save the day, the queen’s lady in waiting goes to D’Artagnan. He has just fallen in love with her, so she uses his budding affections to run to England and foil the nefarious plot. Apparently desperate, D’Artagnan complies, and the three musketeers join in to help.

Massive characterization changes are the chief difference between the film and the novel. Originally Lord Buckingham was the lovelorn paramour of the queen of France. Now he’s a swaggering villain and London’s reigning fashionista. There is a difference between being hammy and satiric — Bloom skitters across both.

As far as the other villains, Cardinal Richelieu is given the Hollywood wash out. Waltz, so charismatically evil in Inglourious Basterds, is given little to do here but twirl his mustache and make snarky veiled insults. Perhaps with better direction he could be allowed to give Richelieu more of an “I love to slaughter Huguenots and put down feudal lords” air of menace, but as it stands he’s pure camp.

D’Artagnan is the chief sore spot casting-wise. His character is young and cocky but also charming and, despite his nativity, quite intelligent, yet Lerman is simply pretty and charmless, bringing little to the part.

Other musketeers are better cast, particularly Stevenson as Porthos. But as cool as a French Titus Pullo sounds, none of the musketeers is given much in way of speech or gravitas. They have plenty of action scenes but no characterization beyond basic stage direction and what the actors can pack into the simple dialogue.

Jovovich is a crystalline huntress as Milady de Winter, the series’ most iconic antagonist. She’s gorgeous and fierce but there is little to the character, as the film has axed most of her tumultuous love story.

Instead, the larger question becomes: Where on earth did a 17th-century noblewoman learn Ninjutsu? At the same time, she lacks the same fangs her literary counterpart had; in the original novel, she poisoned and seduced characters with glee. Her body count’s gone up, but her scary factor has not.

French literature is saucy enough without modern touches. Forget English novels full of teenagers swooning over Mr. Darcy’s cravats. The French were totally open to their characters having one-night stands and extramarital affairs. The original novel had more sex, more murder and a lot more moments of action and derring-do than the film. This version has gorgeous costumes, sparkling set pieces and some very nice shooting locations. Still, little life exists beneath the green-screened surface.

The inclusion of an airship is the least of the film’s problems. A steam-punkish version of The Three Musketeers sounds fascinating, but not without the witty dialogue, earnest action and all-around fun that made the novel such a classic. People interested in the characters behind these glittering facades should check out the 1973 version with Charlton Heston and Michael York. Or even — gasp — pick up the novel.