OPINION: USC on brink of war between Wheel People, Foot People

At first glance, McClintock Avenue seems peaceful and serene, with the sun shining on students as they head to class. However, tensions lurk beneath this warm facade between two factions at USC: the Wheel People and the Foot People.

The Wheel People — marked by their earbuds — use scooters, bicycles, skateboards, roller skates, hoverboards and even unicycles to traverse campus. In contrast, the Foot People — distinguished by the phones in their hands — use only their legs to travel from place to place.

While it may seem like these two tribes exist in harmony, skirmishes taking place all across campus prove otherwise.

A Foot Person muttered, “Dude, watch it,” after almost being hit by a member of the Wheels.

“Dumbasses on their phones,” the Wheel Person retorted, zooming away.

A recent attempt at diplomacy at McCarthy Quad quickly took a turn for the worse.

“Parkside’s so far,” Foot Person Meg Sullins said. “Can we just go to EVK?”

Wheel Person Paul Todd straightened up, alert.

“You should get a skateboard,” he said pointedly.

Surrounding students held their breaths in anticipation of a possible battle, this inevitable release of tension.

“Maybe,” said Sullins, barely skating by the beginning of an ensuing battle.

While the palpable anger at McCarthy Quad eventually fizzled out, the widespread tension across USC indicates that war is almost certainly imminent.

In Taper Hall, for example, fighting nearly broke out when Wheel Person Lily Jones, carrying her scooter, requested that she and her classmates take the elevator.

“You should really just walk to class,” Foot Person Dan Garcia said.

The hallways went silent. The surrounding Trojans paused and stared.

“Well, I don’t wanna be slowed down,” Jones said.

“Hmm,” Garcia replied.

“Hmm,” Jones said.

Everyone resumed activity, having only narrowly escaped a violent altercation.

For now, USC is only simmering with tension. The Trojan Wheel People and Foot People have tolerated one another for decades without fighting. However, with the rising number of skirmishes, it seems that a race war may be on the horizon.

The campus resumed, having only narrowly escaped a violent altercation.

For now, USC is only simmering with tension. The Trojan Wheel People and Foot People  have endured one another for decades without fighting breaking out. However, with the rising number of skirmishes, it seems that a race war may be inevitable.