Advice from Dr. Blingspice: Dr. Blingspice’s ‘How-To’ on exorcising pesty roommates

(Jiwon Lee | Daily Trojan)

Even the most normal-seeming people don’t show their true colors until you live with them. The friend you’re crushing on might be possessed by all the traits that make someone an intolerable roommate and you wouldn’t know it. Pig-like, mannerless, demonic, immoral — you name it, and they exist. 

The worst part about this cruel world is that exorbitant Los Angeles rent prices lead many students to inhabit the same spaces as these people, turning many homes into haunted houses — unpredictable, stress-inducing and unsanitary. 

The college lifestyle is already difficult as is, but what’s worse than living in a roach-infested apartment? Living with roaches that have a clashing personality. Better than Raid Ant & Roach Killer, Dr. Blingspice has you covered with advice to best treat all the pest problems in your apartment.

My roommate is disgusting. They haven’t done laundry once. They leave out dirty dishes for weeks and pile up trash in their corner of our room until it smells. What should I do?

L.A. is roach-infested, both literally and figuratively. People can leave the house looking clean but have their room looking like a landfill. 

You should plan an intervention with the messy roommate and set expectations for everyone. Explain the consequences of their actions — roaches, mice, bad hygiene, nasal destruction, etc. If they don’t comply with the house rules, you have the option to suffer through the unique odors and dirty laundry or flee; the latter is preferred.

In the case that you can’t leave, go to Bath & Body Works, buy a candle — or several — and light them up throughout the house. There’s nothing a Mahogany Teakwood can’t fix. If they don’t get the hint they’re radiating toxic fumes, continue pestering them to do their dishes and laundry until they get so annoyed they’re either forced to be clean or decide to live the “Ratatouille” lifestyle elsewhere.

I don’t want to live with my roommates anymore. How do I tell them?

If you’re best friends with your roommates, precede the confrontation by offering them snacks from Trader Joe’s — white truffle chips or green tea mochi typically sit well with people. Once they’re a couple bites in, express your appreciation for them or compliment their outfit — no matter how ugly it is — to alleviate any tension. The soft rice dough and a shower of flattery will soften the blow, making it so your besties aren’t offended when you tell them you’re not interested in living together. Roommate compatibility isn’t always a given, even if you’re friends; hence, no offense should be taken.

If you’re not close with your roommates, there’s no need to waste your food stamps on snacks. As soon as a conversation about housing arises, hit them with your decision. Alternatively, prepare to vanish one day with your packed bags, moving boxes and no warning. When they ask where you’re going, give them a vague response: “Home. I’m going home.”

My roommate won’t stop searching through my closet and smelling my clothes. She “accidentally” spilled coffee on my bedding and constantly makes fun of my hygiene to her friends. What should I do?

Signing a lease is like signing your soul to the devil — your landlord — and his spawns — your roommates. I recommend you flee as soon as someone starts searching through your belongings — it’s no longer repairable, no matter what exorcism is performed. 

Sage the apartment and notify your landlord about your demonic roommate. If they can’t evict them, put your lawyer hat on and get out of your lease as soon as possible. Begin looking for a new place to live; otherwise, next thing you know your roommate is pulling out the scissors to DIY your wardrobe.

If you’re unable, by any means, to escape your contract, it’ll have to be a game of who can make whose apartment life more unbearable. If your roommate wants to act like a clown, bring the whole circus. Blast awful music when you can, slam doors every time you can or spray Liquid ASS on their pillow. After a few weeks of playing them at their own game, you’ll tire out the demon. Just by blasting “Baby Shark” on your Amazon Echo while your roommate is home, you’ll cleanse your apartment of paranormal activity, strange coffee stains and entities sniffing through your closet.

If you need advice, feel free to reach out to Dr. Blingspice by direct messaging Daily Trojan on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook or by submitting your questions to the Google Form on the Instagram stories. 

Emanuel Rodriguez is a junior offering advice on students’ most pressing questions. He is also the Audience Engagement Editor at the Daily Trojan. His column, “Advice from Dr. Blingspice,” runs every other Friday.