Tea-Sha: Let me and the stars guide you
Warning: Your feelings may or may not be hurt.
With only two weeks of classes remaining and summer fast approaching, life feels more chaotic and messier than usual. All the chakras have unaligned and our good habits seem to have dissolved being replaced with the sticky, gooey remains of regret and bad decisions.
But don’t have to let the ghosts of your bad decisions haunt you. Look to the stars and my extremely accurate horoscope guide based on my unbiased opinion instead. My credentials and expertise gained through putting up with Co-Star threatening me for the past two years are unmatched.
Starting with some general advice for all signs: You are not enough. You never will be enough. It’s better to stop trying. As the fiery Aries season full of passion and ambition is replaced by the false lull of Taurus season’s bullheadedness, don’t be stupid. It’s not that hard. Don’t overthink it. Actually, don’t think at all. Switching off your brain will give you the power to do what actually needs to be done — no action, no reaction, only distraction.
Read on for your personally curated horoscope for today, created in conjecture with the movement and placement of neurons in my brain:
Aries (March 21 – April 19):
With your fire diminished and the end of Aries season, there is simply no need for your energy. People no longer want to put up with you, but take that in stride, Aries, and leave. Go away. The further, the better. Pack your passport or pick out a new identity and start a new life until those in your life miss your presence and report you as a missing person to the police.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20):
It may be Taurus season, but that doesn’t mean you can simply plow your way through whatever you want. Good things await you, but only if you’re willing to work for them and follow the right path to achieve whatever it is you desire. But remember, it’s about the end results and not the journey that gets you there, so stop working so hard and instead burn the place down. Even the Earth must burn for a fresh start.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
There is only one truth, Gemini. In your pursuit of answers, you have been left with more questions than ever before. Not to worry, a fresh slate means new questions and new answers. For this, you must kill all of your existing brain cells to start anew. Your quest has gotten so complicated, drinking and head banging may be the only way to get the answers you seek.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22):
It is hibernation season, Cancer. Everyone has had enough of the emotional black hole you pull them into with each interaction. Sleep so you may not feel. Let your dreams drift you into a life better than the one you currently live so others can finally experience a life of peace without you playing the role of shoulder devil and angel at the same time.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22):
There is nothing to be said for the terror you have caused recently, Leo. As if alienating people wasn’t enough, karma returns with a vengeance to kick your ass. Don’t take anything or anyone for granted because it might be lost any second. The grim reaper has its sights on you, and there is nothing you can do to avoid the retribution that awaits you. The easiest thing to do would be to walk into the fire willingly and give yourself up.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Have you found yourself asking how you got here lately, Virgo? The answer lies within your place in the universe. You’re always doing too much and trying too much. It may be time to stop, pause and think about what it is that you truly want. Once you figure that out, do the very opposite. Your instincts are not to be trusted.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):
Life may have seemed easier lately, Libra, but it’s only because you’re on the precipice of an ocean that wants to swallow you whole. Don’t resist. Stop acting like your life and decisions are under your control and give in. The world may allow you to finally spread your wings and fly or chew you up and spit you out. There is only one way to find out!
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):
The universe wants you to take a chill pill, Scorpio, and stop overestimating your own importance. Too long you have lived in the dark like a shadow. Try coming into the light and proving once and for all that you are not a vampire. You too can indulge in simple human pleasures if you crawl out from under your rock.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
Get a grip, Sag. It is time to grow up. No longer can you go about life not caring and doing whatever comes in your head. Your recent troubles have come up due to your inability to stay at one place. Reach out to people you have been avoiding recently and show them you’re well and alive.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):
Pick up your phone, Capricorn, and make that move you have been itching to make. Distracting yourself through work is not a solution, and it is time you start thinking of someone beyond yourself. Selfish actions have consequences, and you may lose what is right in front of you.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):
Do whatever the hell you want, Aquarius, because no one could care less. Even the universe is no longer acknowledging your presence, so wreak havoc and make yourself known.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20):
Stupid, silly fishy, it’s time for you to stop acting on your emotions and making your life harder. You can’t keep choosing the path of chaos and wonder how you ended up in the ditch. Pick yourself up and swim far away from the shore and any human interaction that has the power to hold you back.
If following your horoscope doesn’t work, remember that you always have the power to run away from your responsibilities for a carefree life. Sometimes running away, maxing out your credit cards and starting a new life away from anyone you know is exactly what the stars ordered.
Twesha Dikshit is a senior writing tongue-in-cheek satire on daily life, the world around us and our daily march toward death. Her column, “Tea-sha,” runs every other Monday.