“It’s not that hot, stop complaining”
After the record-breaking heatwave the second week of September, I’m left wondering what USC is thinking by leaving their students in their cramped, old dorms. Not all of us have the luxury of living in the USC Village’s air conditioned rooms, so how are students expected to complete their work in the blistering heat? Chief Student Health Officer, Dr. Sarah Van Orman, has even warned us of the dangers of the heat that has killed thousands across the United States and the mental toll the heat can have on students. Even so, those residing in New North, Birnkrant, Marks Tower and Pardee Tower continue to be forced to get innovative or suffer the consequences.
Outside of an email from Van Orman stating that “During a heat wave, a warm building is a sign of good air exchange,” there aren’t many details depicting a better and more accessible solution to ensure students’ wellbeing. So here’s what I imagine they are thinking as students bake in the ovens that are their dorms:
Is air conditioning really that important? Students complain so much about the heat in the dorms, but the worst that’s ever happened is heat stroke. Besides, the students look happy enough with their thriving grades and flashing smiles. I wish they’d just stop whining.
Honestly, I’m just tired of it because I already do so much to acknowledge the AC situation. The students simply don’t appreciate what I do! Speaking of which, I think I’ll make sure the dorms send out emails to let students know just how much they take for granted. It shall read:
“We did everything we could to try to help cool the buildings. This included opening doors and windows and placing fans throughout your building. We continued to check and replace fans as many went missing.”
Alright, I’m back, and the emails have been swiftly sent. Hopefully that improves our public relations, and maybe the students will be more grateful — wait, is that a student reply I see? I’ll check it later, but I’m glad they’re starting to apologize for feeling so entitled. Anyways, as you know, not only did we open doors when it was hot outside, but we even opened windows. What more can they ask of us? I even remember hearing about the health benefits of natural breezes over artificial ones, and here in Los Angeles, air can’t get more crisp than this! The smog just adds extra flavor. So who cares if it’s 100 degrees outside? Let the natural air in! If anything, I should be complaining about being cramped in my freezing office. I can already feel the effects of breeze deprivation on my lifespan.
They even have the audacity to blame us for not installing AC into all of the dorms. Not to mention, I did have AC installed at least in the lobbies and elevators of most dorms, so if the heat really was too much, students should’ve just studied in the elevators and taken the opportunity to make connections with their peers.
I bet if you stayed long enough in the elevator, you could meet almost everyone in the dorm by the end of the day — now that is some serious networking! You see, here at USC, we pride ourselves in our strong Trojan Family, and having no AC in the dorms is just another example of our efforts to encourage social interactions. A strong Trojan network simply wouldn’t be possible if students stayed cooped up in their rooms.
In any case, It’s not like I’m made of money. My endowment is a mere 8.126 billion dollars, and they expect me to pay for new AC systems? That would leave no room to increase the football budget. Imagine USC without an overhyped football team!
A heat wave isn’t an excuse to break clearly outlined, reasonable rules. Here in California, I’m completely aware that heat waves happen every year, and summers can be brutal. To address this issue, I decided long ago to ban the use of portable ACs in the dorms. If one student suffers, we must suffer together because here at USC, we value the idea of community and inclusivity. Besides, if all students used portable AC units, there might be a power outage, and resolving that issue would be almost as much trouble as installing a controlled central AC system — why would we do that?
It just seems so intuitive that to keep my rankings high, students need to follow simple rules and trust my judgment. I’m actually quite generous if I do say so myself. In the past, I’ve seen students with nine fans in their rooms, and I let them be — on second thought, maybe I should set a limit. Need I also mention that some students sneak fans that I set up in the hallways, and I just let them return them with no questions asked? They really are greedy.
My acceptance rate is at an all time low, the football team is thriving, the Marshall School of Business and Viterbi School of Engineering are growing in reputation — I’d say things are fine as they are. In the grand scheme of things, who cares if students lose a couple good nights’ sleep as long as they perform well? If they can’t stand it, students can always try their luck with housing reassignments. Anyways, I’ve got a lot on my plate, so enough ranting for today. Please stop complaining so I can work peacefully in my air conditioned office. A little heat never hurt anyone.