The Oracle: Hardwood Restoration
I’m not getting sexually excited by my girlfriend anymore, but we have a great relationship and I don’t want to break up. How could I spice it up/become more attracted to her?
Limp Dick Larry
So, it seems that your partner isn’t giving you the rise, but you don’t want to take the fall. Well, Larry, if there’s anything I know better than being an incredibly alluring gay spiritual guide, it’s mending a relationship gone — quite literally — flat.
Before I dive into the watery — or in your case, alarmingly arid — depths of rekindling kinetic kinship, let me tell you a parable.
Once upon a time, there was a man named Wanye Kest — some names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals — who had an amazing, finger-licking relationship with a woman named Romber Ase. The bond they had was risqué and raunchy, and exciting for all parties involved. Until it wasn’t.
Sorry, I lost track of where I was going with that story whilst in my research wormhole — about the infamous tweets my parable was founded on. Maybe it’ll come back to me later. Anyhow, let’s get into my tips for saving your sex-life.
I just remembered! There’s nothing manlier than the masculine practice of posterior penetration. There’s a reason why they call it a “happy ending” and not “happy fronting.” Love comes in all sorts of different ways, and in this case, it may be the back door.
Pegging was reintroduced to modern-day aristocracy by Cara Delevingne’s anti-patriarchal 2021 Met Gala outfit emblazoned with “Peg the Patriarchy.” Men have been subjected to the expectation that they have to be giving, and it’s about time that they started “taking.” Take initiative on your sexual resurgence and “take” in different, more exciting ways.
If you don’t pounce on this oh-inducing opportunity right now, your primary care physician will be in the next few years. Do yourself a favor, and let your girlfriend play nurse on that P-spot so you won’t be venturing the behind blind.
Whether you’re a delusional daddy or a hazy hottie, it’s time to get your mind fog meditation on. Gaslighting isn’t limited to the girlbosses of the world; if you want your girlfriend to be sexy, convince yourself she is. Since pendulums are hard to come by, try using one of those hairballs that your surprisingly hairy roommate leaves stuck on the shower wall. It’s pretty much the same thing. Repeat after me:
“My girlfriend is the baddest shawty. she’s my little boo thing, and she also has the fatty.”
Repeat that seven times a day, and you’ll be good to go.
Gas Station Boner Pills
If you’ve read this far, you’re probably looking for a last-resort Hail Mary. Time to bring in the big guns.
Sure, the FDA issued alerts for the pills, but we’re looking for a thrill, aren’t we? There’s history behind these one-gulp wonders. By history, I mean there’s a very old, white-haired man in a lab Walter-Whiteing a new batch of Vigor-A just for you.
The best part? The next time your girlfriend asks you to romp on their rump, you can show your dry pill-swallowing skills. There’s nothing sexier than men who don’t need a dainty cup of water to down a two-inch pill. Maybe your girl will even down your two-inch pill.
Okay, buddy. You may need to sit down for this.
There comes a time when we need to realize we’re the common denominator. I know it may hurt to hear and make you want to bulk and cut your way out of the confusion, but maybe you’re the problem. The “Anti-Hero.” I’ve heard that the Engemann Health Center has four free counseling sessions, and even though we’ve only known each other for such a limited time, it’s looking like you’re going to need every single one of those sessions.
So, my flaccid friend, I can only wish you the best of luck. Hard luck.
The Oracle is a sophomore offering celestial solutions to the plights of USC students. \ Their advice column, runs every other Thursday. Got a story or need some advice? Submit to this form for a chance to be featured.