Let’s not get married anytime soon

I never believed in love stories. Even the classics — Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty — felt unrealistic to a fault. They rubbed me the wrong way, and while 5-year-old Helen still adored these stories, she focused on the music that lifted her body onto her feet and the pictures that danced across the screen. Not the “love.”

I also didn’t get the concept of “true love’s kiss,” as it seemed a bit weird that a random guy would just kiss a girl passed out in the middle of the forest. I didn’t get the concept of revolving your life around a man who only showed up for five minutes toward the movie’s ending. But most of all, I didn’t get how relationships like these worked because it was nothing like what I grew up with. So, when 19-year-old Cinderella got married after a dude came to her house to return her slipper, I knew it was just a fantasy. 

My parent’s “love story” is that of many immigrants. Fleeing from the chaos and brutality of the việt cộng and the horrid conditions that were left behind after the Vietnam War, my mom’s family did whatever they could to escape and come to the United States. On the other hand, my dad had fought in the war, was granted refugee status in the U.S. and lived here for a decade before coming back to Vietnam to marry my mom. 

While arranged marriages were outlawed in 1959, my parents’ matrimony was a forced result of their circumstances. Marriage was like a signed contract with terms and conditions that granted my mom freedom and my dad a good sum of money, but as he was friends with my mom’s brother, he considered it a favor. 

So growing up, I saw marriage as transactional — a method for asylum where immigration came first, and love came after. If you were lucky.  

While the definition of marriage varies globally, family is a fundamental institution that permeates nearly every society. It has the ability to disseminate social norms, language, beliefs and customs through filial generations and provides a way to escape loneliness. So, understanding the value of marriage hasn’t been an issue. I’m not sure why my parents stayed together but I know fighting life alongside someone is much easier than fighting alone, especially in a foreign country.

I recognize the impact of my parents’ relationships on my perception of love, relationships and marriage and the psychological scars it left. But when I hear that my classmates who are about the same age as me are getting married, my mind goes blank with only one thing written in bold in my brain: Why?

While I understand that getting married in college is not uncommon (with roughly 20% of young adults getting married when they’re 20-24), I grew up believing that marriage was something you either needed to survive orr, something that came later down the line once you’re successful and with someone who you won’t threaten to divorce in front of your kids. 

Whether that’s with “Love is Blind” or “90 Day Fiancé,” the fascination of marriage and relationships in media often leaves me puzzled. It was “Cinderella” when I was five, and now it’s “Bridgerton” as I am 22. Don’t get me wrong; I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the third season of “Bridgerton” to drop, but seeing kids my age and even younger getting matched off for marriage on my screen does leave me irrationally thinking, “Should I be getting married soon?” While I absolutely yearn for the electrifying sexual tension between Kate Sharma and Anthony Bridgerton, I’m okay with being an Eloise. 

I am an adamant believer that people should be able to do whatever the hell they want as long as it doesn’t impact others’ lives. However, while I’m currently in a happy, committed relationship, I look at my parents’ marital situation and find it incredibly unrealistic to imagine those my age getting married.

Some of my friends have their entire weddings mapped out already or are already discussing a five-year plan with their partners. While there’s nothing wrong with that, I wonder why our mind jumps to marriage when we think about our future. In the 21st century, marriage should be the least of their concerns — especially when I know they learned how to do laundry freshman year of college and forget to drink water on a daily basis.

While marriage was just another item on my parents’ to-do list, it isn’t for the vast majority of us. So, instead of planning wedding cakes, just grab a slice from Dulce and pass our classes before worrying about our “happily ever after” with someone. You might not even need it.