In “Sex and the City”’s episode “Take Me Out to the Ball Game,” Miranda Hobbes (Cynthia Nixon) becomes fed up with her friends and decides to leave dinner. She exclaims that she’s tired of their constant conversations about men and can’t take it anymore. Before she leaves, Miranda asks a crucial question: “How does it happen that four such smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends?” 

Out of all six seasons of “Sex and the City” — plus some movies and sequels — with great dialogue and important messaging about women, romance and sex, this line stuck out to me the most. I have been, and still am, Miranda in this moment; male-centric women drive me insane. 

Instead of trying a new hobby like baking or knitting, some women are forcing themselves to obsess over a man out of sheer boredom. A life update between long-distance friends turns into a nonstop rant session about one of their most recent obsessions, the Alex G enthusiast who hit it and quit it. Girls’ night becomes an opportunity to ditch the group to flirt with a guy. The list goes on and on. 

After finding myself stuck in an endless loop of male-centered conversations, I’m reminded of the Bechdel test. The test, created by graphic novelist Alison Bechdel, consists of three rules: First, “The movie must have at least two women in it”; second, “The women must talk to each other”; lastly, “Their discussion must be about something other than a man.”  

Although the test is utilized to assess female representation in film, it can also be utilized in today’s society to examine real-life interactions between women. If our lives were a movie, a great majority of the conversations held between young women would fail the Bechdel test almost as quickly as Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) manages to bring up Mr. Big (Chris Noth) in any conversation. 

Don’t get me wrong: Feelings are meant to be expressed and you should be more than allowed to vent to your friends. I love hearing about my friends’ crazy situationships as much as the next person. And yes, I do want to hear about your friend’s neighbor’s sister’s latest boyfriend drama. But an odd feeling washes over me when I realize that’s genuinely all I know about my friends and, vice versa, all they know or care for about me. 

I know more about the men who torment, are involved in or even merely pass by women’s lives than the actual lives of women around me. This phenomenon of modern male-centrism is merely poorly disguised patriarchy.

According to journalists Eliza Anyangwe and Melissa Mahtani in a CNN article, “Data shows that the US lags behind many of its allies around the world when it comes to paid parental leave, maternal healthcare, adolescent fertility rates, and, increasingly, reproductive rights … Progress towards gender equality is neither linear, nor guaranteed.” 

We cannot become so comfortable with our progress that we start to lose ourselves in the habitual male centrism to which we are conditioned. We must be able to detach our identities from the men around us. 

Not only do male-centric women neglect their own importance, but they also abandon the women around them. To them, if your love life is dull, you are no longer relatable. If it’s remotely interesting, it becomes the topic of conversation for the rest of time. Regardless of any personal or career successes, having a man in your life is your greatest success. 

The lack of self-awareness about our male-centrism and projection of it on others tells us that society has never outwardly discouraged it. It’s so deeply ingrained in our history that it’s trickled down toward our modern day with normalties like subtly sexist language (ie, Bachelor vs Spinster) and not-so-subtle wage gaps. We may resist it with more earnestness but have never fully escaped it. Men continue to be the defining characteristic for women.  

As I’ve mentioned in a previous article, wanting romance and to be in a relationship with a man is not inherently anti-feminist. What’s anti-feminist is the neglect of personal autonomy and identity outside of these men and relationships.   

Friendships with male-centric women become an exhausting cycle of trying to be supportive of their newfound relationship and trying to slip in one single word about your own life every few weeks. Diverging conversations become more than annoying — they become hurtful. Male centrism in general tells women that they don’t matter. So, in a Carrie Bradshaw-esque fashion, it “made me wonder”: Do you even matter to your male-centric friends? 

Women have fought and continue to fight for inclusion within a male-dominated world. Yet, by tolerating male centrism, we devolve this important progress. Society cannot unlearn these patriarchal habits without a willingness to depart from them. So, don’t be afraid to be the Miranda of your friend group and remind everyone of the worth of yourself and your girlfriends outside the realm of relationships with men.