Being in a heterosexual relationship doesn’t make you any less queer

I am a queer woman in a relationship with a straight man, and like so many other queer folks, I feel the need to constantly remind others that being in a heterosexual relationship doesn’t make me straight. The way I identify has nothing to do with my boyfriend, and the way he identifies does not negate the fact that I am queer.

When I finally felt comfortable and secure enough to come out, I was so excited to feel seen and to find a community among others in the LGBTQIA+ community. But once I started dating a man, suddenly I was straight-passing and people just assumed my identity without a second thought.

Being in a heterosexual relationship inherently comes with privileges, such as feeling safe walking down the street holding my partner’s hand and not having to out myself by introducing him to others, but it also comes with its own burden. Sometimes I feel like my queerness is slowly disappearing. When you don’t exercise a muscle, it atrophies, and I’m afraid of my queer muscle meeting that fate.

But being queer is about so much more than the gender of your partner. It’s about accepting and loving yourself and your beautiful differences, and also being part of an incredible community of activists who create change and champion individuality.

Yet sometimes, when I share that my partner is a cisgender, heterosexual man, I can feel the temperature of the room drop among my queer friends. I have taken to purposefully using the word “partner” instead of “boyfriend” around my LGBTQIA+ friends because I am worried they might judge me for my heteronormativity, and I don’t want them to lose sight of my queerness. I don’t want to lose the community that finally made me feel at home.

This fear may be completely in my head, but I feel this way for a reason. People assume that because my boyfriend isn’t part of the queer community he isn’t accepting or supportive — some have even wondered aloud to me if he fetishizes my attraction to women.

Let me be clear: My boyfriend is my biggest ally and supporter. He makes me feel so genuinely comfortable being myself around him and has helped me continue to connect with my queer side despite being in a heteronormative relationship. He unconditionally accepts and encourages my love in all its capacities.

And from the other side, I don’t want to have to prove to people that he isn’t my beard and that liking women wasn’t just a phase. I am still queer and proud, and being in a relationship with someone who is not does not diminish that in any way.

Cishet men have hit me with appalled and confused looks when I have agreed with my boyfriend that a female character in a show or movie is attractive instead of being mad that he finds another woman hot. It seems as though people don’t realize that being in a relationship doesn’t mean that everyone in the world is suddenly unattractive.

Newsflash: Your concept of love and attraction is not the same as everyone else’s. Just because I’m dating a man doesn’t mean I’m no longer attracted to women nor does it mean I’m any less queer than I was before I started dating him. Stop assuming someone’s identity or the inner workings of their relationship based on appearances, because everyone is different and every relationship is unique.

Being queer and learning to love and accept yourself is already hard enough without the added pressure of feeling like you are straddling the labels of “too gay” for straight people and “not gay enough” for queer people. There’s enough going on in my head already and there is no room for your opinion on my sexuality or my relationship.

Queer love is about acceptance — acceptance of yourself, your partner, your friends and your community. It doesn’t matter if my partner is queer or not: My love is inherently queer because it is mine and it’s a part of my identity.

For me, my queer sexuality means loving someone for who they are, no matter how they identify (even if it is as a cishet person). I am just grateful that I have found someone who loves and accepts me, and that’s all anyone should ever care about.