Contentment should not be relative to others

The next time an eyelash falls out of your eye, or the next time a ladybug lands on your arm, don’t wish for a happy future.

Many of us, especially graduating seniors, have this seemingly innocent hope on our minds with the approaching summer.

But when it comes to happiness, Buddhists seem to have had the right idea all along: If you want to be happy, stop wanting to be happy. Let go of your desires. This advice might not seem very helpful at first glance, but the science behind it can reveal some useful tips.

As a species, we developed an inclination to compare ourselves to others. It’s ingrained in our biology to do this and to feel an unpleasant emotion — envy — when we encounter someone with a superior circumstance, quality or possession. Throughout history, this tendency to desire what others has increased our chances of survival, motivating us to improve our lives.

Once upon a time, it was actually possible to be superior at something or own something unique because we lived in small groups rarely exceeding 500 individuals.

But nowadays, the sheer volume of people we’re comparing our lives to means we’re bound to feel like failures — especially with movies, T.V. shows, Facebook and other mass media outlets skewing our assumptions about what the average human achieves.

The tendency has become counterproductive and emotionally self-destructive; it leads to an inescapable feeling of dissatisfaction perhaps responsible for unprecedented divorce rates.

“Ancestral humans may have had a dozen or two potential mates to choose from,” wrote evolutionary psychologist David M. Buss in an article called “The Evolution of Happiness.” “Modern humans, in contrast, are surrounded by thousands of potential mates. They are bombarded by media images of attractive models on a scale that has no historical precedent and that may lead to unreasonable expectations about the quality and quantity of available mates.”

Laboratory studies have shown that if you expose a man to pictures of sexually idealized women, his opinion of his commitment to his partner will plummet. Exposing women to pictures of powerful, good-looking men has a similar effect.

Discontent arising from comparisons to an unrealistic standard is true also of our positions in society, our capacities and our appearances.

More and more women, for example, are unable to embrace their subtle imperfections because they are surrounded by often unrealistic images of celebrities who have undergone plastic surgery. As a result, they pay thousands of dollars to sculpt, sew and stuff their bodies — like reality T.V. star Heidi Montag, who had her lips and breasts ballooned to abnormal sizes, her chin reduced, her ears pinned and her eyebrows lifted.

The same is true for men, whose insecurities and feelings of inadequacy are triggered when their concept of the average man is inaccurately shaped by popular entertainment, in which Average Joe is a muscular, rugged and unfeeling Casanova.

So how do we get around this innate tendency to compare ourselves to others? We can start by not being materialistic. A recent San Francisco State University study found that we tend to gravitate toward material possessions very quickly. That’s why someone who has three cars is rarely happier than someone who has one, two or even none.

Ryan Howell, the leader of the study, discovered that experiences, unlike material possessions, provide happiness in the long-term because memories of the experience renew the emotions attached to it. Moreover, it is harder to compare your own experiences to and find superiority in another’s than it is with a material possession.

So if you want to be happy, go out and do things — go for a walk around campus, have a picnic with friends, go camping, go to the beach. Don’t buy new things.

Unfortunately, our image-oriented culture causes us to become fixated on appearances, which are by nature as easy to compare as material possessions.

Perhaps by spending less time in front of the television, or with our noses in fashion magazines, we can start to cultivate and nurture our inner lives, which are unique to each individual.

It would be very hard to be jealous of somebody for being more compassionate or empathic than you. Comparing your inner self to another’s can only lead to inspiration. I’m not talking about music tastes or clothing styles or other superficial aspects of a personality. I’m talking about the deepest aspects of one’s being: one’s overall approach to life and others.

Studies show that doing nice things for others and expressing gratitude stimulates the vagus nerve, which causes “that feeling of warm expansion in the chest,” according to psychologist Dacher Keltner in a Scientific American article called “Forget Survival of the Fittest: It is Kindness that Counts.”

Meditation also increases feelings of well-being associated with activation in the left frontal lobes, which are responsible for compassion.

Society needs to redefine happiness in order to obtain it. Happiness is not associated with positive circumstances — getting a job after college or that BMW you always wanted.

It’s tied to the acceptance of one’s circumstances — the obliteration of desires that results from looking internally and being kind to oneself and others.

Like Buddhists, we need to sit and breathe and concentrate on the fact that we are lucky just to be who we are.

Jean Guerrero is a senior majoring in print journalism. Her column “Scientastical” ran Mondays.