Celeb children pad their parents’ empires
When we decide to take on the selfless act of parenthood, we instantly commit ourselves to a few sacrifices. We sacrifice our sense of smell, having to change toxic diapers countless times each day. We resign ourselves to sleep deprivation, knowing that we must wake up at 4 a.m. to tend to a crying child even if we may feel like crying ourselves.
And we make a pledge to self-control, convincing ourselves that we don’t need the plasma TV we’ve been dying for and that instead, we must buy only necessities — you know, like food and milk.
It goes without saying that new parents (responsible ones anyway) also commit to raising their children to become the best, most honorable adults they can grow up to be. This last commitment is a bit trickier than the rest.
Equipped with endless bank accounts and a bounty of resources unattainable by the common man, celebrities at first may appear most fit for the role of parenthood. Ironically, this statement could not be any more untrue. Famous parents, like the Paltrow-Martins, the Beckhams and the Stefani-Rossdales, are creating a disastrous yet long-term parenting trend not just in the world of Hollywood but for new parents everywhere.
With finger snaps, head twists and the public going “Oh no they didn’t,” these stars are guilty of committing the ultimate parenting faux-pas: the weird baby name.
From the minute these young tots are born into pop culture royalty, celebrity babies are marked with an intrinsic uniqueness. That’s a given.
It is one thing to have mommy and daddy’s superstar blood running through you but it is definitely another to be unable to exist in normal situations because you have been named after a breakfast snack or some sort of indigenous tribe.
Due to some reckless decision-making on their parents’ part, these kids will undoubtedly face confusion with the titles they’ve been given and struggle with how they must live up to them.
Pilot Inspektor. Apple. Zuma. Brooklyn. Kal-El. Bronx Mowgli. Maddox. Moxie CrimeFighter. No, I did not just break into an impromptu game of Taboo.
These names and others like them will soon populate roll sheets in kindergarten classes in the 90210 zip code and beyond. They are reaching new levels of absurdity, deriving from superhero inspirations and New York cities, each made to outdo the ones before.
Take Nicole Richie and Joel Madden for example. Last week, the couple welcomed their second child, a baby boy named Sparrow.
Now to answer your questions: Yes, the baby was human, and no, he did not have wings.
While ridiculous baby naming has become something like cricket or polo — a sort of game only for the rich to play — the fact is that this traditional rite of passage has transformed from a parental milestone to a downright ego-booster. The art of procreation has become a way for famous people to reproduce “Mini-Me”s to play dress-up with in baby Juicy Couture tracksuits and show off to the world.
Naturally, celebrities and the eccentric names they choose reinforce a dimension of “betterness” that separate the Suris from the Sarahs, the Kingstons from the Kyles and the Jermajestys from the average Joes. In a day when the challenge is to stand out, anything less would not live up to the lofty self-importance that celebrities possess not just for themselves but for their little bundles of joy as well.
Likewise, the baby has, for the last couple years, become Hollywood’s must-have accessory. Why tote around the newest handbag when you can parade around the next King or Queen of Pop, president or Oscar winner? Perhaps, in this sense, maybe interesting baby names aren’t so bad. After all, the world could always use one less “George” to make room for more “Beyoncés” and “Baracks.”
In the end, parenthood and the name game could also just be moneymakers. Celebrities want their kids to expand their respective empires, and, more often than not, serve as a reflection of the vain characteristics that once propelled them to fame.
My only thought: Thank God, Paris Hilton has not yet caught on.
Christopher Agutos is a junior majoring in public relations and political science. His column, “Pop Life,” runs Tuesdays.