Honesty is the best policy with paternity


When news broke that Ronan Farrow, the 25-year-old son of actors Mia Farrow and Woody Allen, might actually be the child of Mia Farrow’s ex-husband Frank Sinatra, the media pounced. The news didn’t seem to be all that shocking to Ronan Farrow himself, who playfully tweeted, “Listen, we’re all *possibly* Frank Sinatra’s son.” And Ronan Farrow isn’t a stranger to spitting jokes on Twitter. On Father’s Day, he tweeted “Happy father’s day — or as they call it in my family, happy brother-in-law’s day.”

Wendy Fu  | Daily Trojan

Wendy Fu | Daily Trojan

It is apparent there are no family secrets — well, at least on this subject — in the Farrow household, and Ronan Farrow handled the situation with aplomb. After all, nearly anyone could “possibly” be the son of anyone else. And by all appearances, Ronan Farrow is a successful, well-adjusted young man with an upcoming news hosting gig on MSNBC.

Ronan Farrow seems to be handling the flurry of media attention well. But the topic of parentage is not always such a laughing matter. It also raises an inquisitive problem: There must be thousands — perhaps even millions — of other young people out there who aren’t aware of their true parentage and have grown up believing that their father is, indeed, their father (or, conversely, that their mother is, indeed, their mother). These people essentially go through life believing a lie.

Nowadays, it is commonplace for adoptive parents to make sure their kids are aware of their true parentage, and in many cases, encourage them to reach out to their birth parents and establish relationships with them. Should it be any different for kids growing up with one biological parent and one who isn’t? It depends on the circumstances.

For Brian Hansen, a 32-year-old actor and blogger from New Jersey, finding out that his father wasn’t his father was the best news he could have ever received. Hansen’s father was extremely hard-hearted and disagreeable. According to CNN, when his cousin casually broke the news to Hansen over coffee that his biological father was, in fact, a sperm donor, and not the same man Hansen grew up with, Hansen was overjoyed.

This is not a very common reaction. According to CNN, “the news can rock a family whether the parent-child relationship is good, bad or downright ugly. This type of news will raise issues of identity and trust, especially if other family members were in on the secret.”

Hansen, however, didn’t seem to have any of these problems, and continues to live his happy life blogging.

At what point in an individual’s life is it okay to tell him or her about who his or her true parent is? What good or harm could it do to learn the truth? Is there ever an instance when it’s just better not to know?

Unfortunately, it is difficult to tell and every situation is different. But this much is true: Openness and honesty is key between a parent and child, no matter the nature of the relationship. This kind of availability allows the child space and closure to take time to come to terms with the news.

“She thought she was doing the right thing by not telling us, and in her view, he loved us, she loved us, they were our parents — and none of the other stuff mattered,” Hansen said in an interview with CNN.

But in the end, instead of thinking about protecting the child, the parent should develop an open and honest relationship in order to truly protect the parent-child relationship.

Every family has its issues, but one thing should be permanent: honesty.

 

Alegra Hueso is a sophomore majoring in public policy and law.

Follow Alegra on Twitter @LegsLeggyLegger